


Like a storm over the sea

by keikoHPfan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Violence, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-18 21:32:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 23,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5943834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keikoHPfan/pseuds/keikoHPfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They weren't meant to survive. But they did, didn't they? And now they're free to live their lives. If only Severus knew how... and if only Potter would leave him in peace. Will be slash. Not Deathly Hallows compliant - obviously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first - and to this day, only - Snarry. This work is complete, I'll try to post one or two chapters a day from now on.

He wakes up abruptly, and it's like coming up to the surface after nearly drowning in cold water.

He can hear himself inhaling with a rasping sound, his throat burning and with the taste of blood in his mouth.

And then there's pain.

A blinding, scorching, consuming pain. He's no stranger to pain. Merlin knows he's used to it. He tries to breathe through his nose, he tries to retreat in his own mind, to separate himself from his hurt body, but to no avail. He's probably too weak, too tired to focus enough.

He wants to give up. Maybe if he surrenders to it, the pain will be enough for him to pass out. His mouth opens in a silent scream, and something thick and warm is poured down his throat.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It'll get better, you'll see. Don't fight it. You need to rest" a soft voice whispers urgently next to him.

A cold and damp cloth is carefully applied to his sweaty brow, and the pain slowly recedes. He's been given a Pain Reliever. A strong one, if his now foggy brain is any clue.

As he lets sleep take him again, he realizes he hasn't even opened his eyes and has no idea where he is – and with whom.

HP-HP-HP-HP

There's far too much light. It's annoying, even from under his eyelids. And it's a bit cold, as well. Isn't Hell supposed to be dark and burning and all that tripe? Or maybe his punishment is to be trapped in Heaven, with too much light and a cheery Albus in sequined robes. He groans at the mere idea.

Maybe it would be safer to fake sleep a little longer. Just in case he's actually facing an eternity with the late Headmaster and his fucking twinkling eyes.

"Professor? Are you awake?"

That's definitely not Albus.

"Professor?"

The voice is soft and melodious. Deep enough to be masculine, but with a youthful undertone. It's a nice voice.

Severus remembers awakening before and being taken care of – and isn't it a bizzare thing? And which one of his former students – for who else would call him Professor – is insane enough to stay by his side?

Only one way to find out.

Severus opens his eyes. That fucking light is hurting his eyes, and he blinks a few times before actually seeing anything. The room looks familiar. It looks like his bedroom, actually. Smells like it, too. Like books and tea and just... home.

"You're safe, Professor. You're safe."

Safe? He's never been safe. Not at home as a kid, not in Hogwarts as a student, not in that wretched world as an adult. Safety is a foreign concept. As long as the Dark Lord will live, he'll-

Wait a minute.

Severus suddenly remembers. The shack. Voldemort. The damn wand. Nagini. And pain, so much pain, and blood, so much blood, dark and thick with his sins.

And then Potter, absurdly, Potter and his too wide eyes, full of terror and braveness and understanding. Has the boy succeeded? Are they both dead now, the Boy-Who-Lived killing the Dark Lord and giving his life in the process like he was always meant to?

"Potter..."

"Yes Sir, I'm here. Let me get you some water."

He's here? How?

A messy dark head appears in front of him and Severus' head is carefully lifted. A glass meets his lips and he gratefully sips on the cool water. Far too soon, the glass disappears and he's settled back on his pillow.

"I can't let you drink too much too soon. Poppy will have my head if something goes wrong with you."

"The Dark Lord?"

"Dead. He's dead. You're safe."

Potter's voice is dark and deeper than before. Severus struggles to see him properly, but the boy seems... different, somehow.

"How?"

"It's quite a long story, Sir. I think you should rest for now. You're safe, you're in your quarters and it's going to be alright. Are you in pain?"

"No."

"Good. That's good. You need to sleep, Sir. Don't worry, I'll be there when you wake up."

Severus wants to make a scathing comment on that, because, honestly, as if he needed Potter of all people to mother him, but he's asleep before he can form the words.


	2. Chapter 2

****

"Potter, would you please stop murdering that poor song and give me something to drink? I'm awfully thirsty."

"Oh! You're awake!"

"As observant as ever, Potter."

The boy flushes but helps Severus to drink half a glass of cool water. And he has finally stopped to sing - a love song from the eighties, and off key, at that.

"How do you feel?"

"I can't feel my left side, actually."

Severus really tries to remain calm and in control, but this is really worrying, to be honest.

"Yes, you'll be paralized on this side for a few days. Poppy says there's nothing to worry about, though."

"Does she now? Where is she? And why are you calling her Poppy, boy?"

Potter stiffens visibly and his face closes instantly.

"Don't call me that."

"What? Boy?"

"Yes. Don't call me that. Anything but that. And I'm calling her Poppy because she asked me to."

"Why in the blaze are you taking care of me? Don't you have some victory parties to attend? Autographs to sign?"

Potter smiles impudently and shakes his head.

"It's good to have you back, Sir. It's been touch and go for a while, you know. I'm sorry I didn't get you out of there sooner. Actually, I... I thought you were dead. But, well, you weren't, and Hagrid took you straight to Poppy when he realized you were still breathing. I asked him to... retrieve your body from the Shack, you know. Well, anyway, Poppy and Minerva did their very best for you and here you are!"

"Why am I in my quarters with you instead of being in the Hospital wing?"

"Because, er..." Potter seems embarassed, all of a sudden, and he scratches the back of his head awkwardly. "You see, we're still... working on having your name cleared. So until it's done, we thought it would be safer for you to be here. We feared some people would want to... get revenge, you know. And, I'm the one taking care of you because everyone else is busy. There are a lot of injured people, you know. And I must admit that I enjoy being away from all that craziness outside. I can't barely go to the loo alone."

Severus rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, I know. More popularity."

"Actually, I was thinking that people were useless morons. Anyone with half a brain would guess you need a little time to sort yourself out. You'll be your popular insufferable self again soon enough."

Potter laughs, a startled and sincere sound that makes Severus' mouth twitch a little against his will.

"Ah, thank you Sir. I needed that. So, I'm supposed to make you eat some broth as soon as you wake up. I'm sure you're going to hex me into next century as soon as you're able to, but I'll have to feed you. Up you go."

Potter helps him to sit up against a few pillows and sits on the bed, a bowl of clear broth in one hand and a spoon in the other. As mortifying as it is, Severus is actually hungry. And he knows that the sooner he'll be healthy again, the sooner Potter will be gone.

"We'll make a deal, Potter."

The green eyes widen in surprise, but the boy nods. Severus has that feeling again Potter has changed irrevocably. There's just something in his eyes, in his whole demaneour, that is different.

"I'm eating the damn broth like a good patient, and you explain how we're both still alive. In detail. You know I'll be able to tell if you're lying or skipping anything."

"I suppose I'll have to tell you at one point or another anyway. Alright, then."

The broth is hot and tastes like vegetables and spices. It's comforting, and it soothes Severus' sore throat. Potter is a bit clumsy about the whole thing but it could have been worse. The dark haired doesn't comment on Severus inability to feed himself and doesn't seem to find his ordeal amusing. Potter is focused on the task at hands and sighs with satisfaction when the bowl is finally empty.

"Now Potter, explain."

And Potter explains. Severus barely refrains to gape at him several times. Merlin knows he would have chosen to follow Albus in the afterlife, but Potter has simply agreed to go back. Deep down, Severus has always known that he wasn't the spoilt brat the Potions Master always accused him to be. But such braveness, such selflessness at his age... It's beyond everything Albus told him about the boy.

Potter's voice is monotonous and his eyes looks at the dying fire without seeing it. Severus instinctively knows that the boy has not told the whole story to anyone before. It's clear from the way he's sometimes searching for his words, from the way he's clearly reliving the events, from the way his eyes several times fill with unshed tears.

He needs this, Severus realises, far more than Severus needs to hear what happened. So Severus stays quiet and listens, all the while closely watching the boy's - no, not a boy anymore, a young man - reactions.

The flow of words dies and Potter looks at his hands.

"I'm sorry that you had to lose more people that were close to you, Potter."

"Thank you."

"You're still wondering if you made the right choice, aren't you?"

"I-I... Yes. I am."

"You'll see them again, Potter. But I truly think they all would want you to live your life. You didn't really have a chance to before."

"I don't know what to do. I didn't think I'd really survive, you know."

"It doesn't matter. You'll figure it out. There's no hurry. Besides, the Great Harry Potter could do anything he wants and the whole world would still worship him."

Potter gives him a half-smile and Severus feels strangely glad to see it.

"Would you call me Harry?"

"What?"

"I feel like you're seeing my father when you call me Potter. But I'm not him."

"No. You're not." Severus looks at the young man again and sighs. "Very well, Harry. I suppose I have to give in your ridiculous demands like everyone else does. Don't expect me to join your fan club, though."

Potter - no, Harry - chuckles and stands up. His eyes are still clouded but they are shining with amusement.

"I wouldn't dream of it, Sir."

Severus knows he's supposed to ask the young man to call him Severus.

He won't, though. What would be the fun in that?


	3. Chapter 3

"Pot- Harry, why are you fidgeting like that today ? You're giving me a headache."

"Sorry, Sir. I'm just... nothing. Would like a cup of tea? Poppy said you should be able to stomach real soup for lunch. So-"

"Stop it. You are upset about something. Tell me."

Harry is pale and breathing too fast and Severus feels the unfamiliar pang of worry in his chest. He'd like to stand up and shake the young man, towering him to demand answers. He can't, though. His left side still doesn't respond to stimulation. He's barely able to drink on his own. How he hates being that weak. Only Poppy and Albus have ever seen him like that. Severus is a little depressed to have to add James Potter's spawn to the list.

Anyway said spawn is currently looking as if he's having a panic attack and it gives Severus something else to think about.

"Breathe, Harry. Slowly. In and out, slowly. In and out. That's better."

The young man seems to steel himself and breathes in deeply once more.

"There. Now tell me what in the name of Merlin got you so upset?"

"The burials are today. About now, to be precise."

"And what are you doing here then? You need to be there, Harry."

"I can't."

Severus sighs and tries to get more comfortable. Why him? He's no good with that type of things. Hopefully Minerva will have time to talk to the boy later.

"I know that such things are difficult. But... you need to see them buried. You need closure, and you need to say goodbye. Besides, you won't be alone, your friends will attend as well."

"You don't understand. I've been asked not to attend."

"What? Whose stupid idea was that?"

Harry sighs and sits back on his chair next to Severus' bed. He blinks several times, and the Potions Master knows he's trying to keep the tears at bay.

"Everyone's. The Weasleys. Andromeda. They think I'll attract attention. They want to mourn and have peace and I'll... I'll only bring trouble. There are reporters waiting for me outside, you know. I understand, of course. It's just..."

The young man shrugs, unable to finish, and makes a weird sound, like a choked sob.

Severus looks away to give Harry time to get a hold on himself.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be bothering you with my pathetic-"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, stop that. I think they're idiots. You, of all people, should be able to go and to mourn the ones you lost."

"It's because of me if they died in the first place, I don't want to disturb the funerals on top of it all, but-"

Severus snorts. Loudly.

"What?"

Harry looks angry now, and there are two red patches on his otherwise pale face.

"Don't be stupid. The world doesn't revolve around you. They died because they fought for their freedom. They died because Voldemort was a madman. They died because there was a war and people die in wars. If anything, your actions saved the lives of hundreds."

"Then why do I feel guilty?"

Severus sighs and scowls.

"Because you're a Gryffindor. Because Albus made sure you would always think of others before of yourself. Because... because you're a good man, Harry. Don't look at me like that, I won't repeat myself. Now listen, because you definitely need to attend the funerals. Shush, for once in your life, listen. On my desk over there, there is an artifact that looks a little like a Pensieve. Do you see it? Good, bring it there."

"What-"

"Shut up and do as you're told, child."

"I'm not a child and you're-"

Severus raises an eyebrow and Harry seems to realize that he's reacting exactly the way a petulant child would, because he flushes and get to his feet to get the small dark stone bowl. Severus smirks.

"Okay, now sit on your chair and keep the artifact on your knees. Do you know what this is?"

"Obviously not" the young man answers dryly.

"Brat. It's an Absens Testis. It can show you what is happening in a given location even if you're not there. You have to know the exact location and the exact time, and it will only work for about two hours."

"Oh."

Severus rolls his eyes.

"Yes, oh. It works quite like a Pensieve. You have to focus on the location at the right time, and put your face in the bowl."

"But..."

"What, Harry?"

"There's nothing in it. I mean..."

"It's not necessary. Trust me, it'll work."

The teen raises his head and locks his eyes with Severus, pinning him with their intensity.

"I trust you", he says softly, and Severus blinks.

"Then go on. Remember, it's remarkably like a Pensieve in the way that you can't interact with the people you'll see, or touch anything. You'll be a mere witness, a physically absent one at that. That's what Absens Testis means."

Harry just nods, taking a deep breath before lowering his head to the Absens Testis.

And Severus watches. He's a silent witness as well. The only witness to Harry Potter's grief, as ironic as it is. The only one that sees the way his shoulders are shaking with quiet sobs, the way his hands almost lose their grip on the bowl as he finally mourns his fallen friends.

Severus waits. The young man will probably be exhausted after such a emotionally draining event. Maybe he'll be angry at Severus as well. After all, Severus survived when so many others died. Children. Aurors. Order's members. Innocent and good people like Tonks or Fred Weasley. Even Lupin. People who had families and friends. People who will be missed and mourned and remembered. Why in the hell has he survived?

No one is waiting for him. Merlin knows he's not innocent or good by any stretch of the imagination. He should have died, he was prepared to die, but Fate apparently decided to play another trick on him, and here he is, alive when he shouldn't be. Alive when everyone probably wants him dead. Well, probably not Minerva and Poppy, if what Harry has told him is accurate.

Harry finally emerges from the Absens Testis, his cheeks damp with tears and his eyes red and puffy. He silently stands up and puts the artifact back on Severus' desk.

Then he whispers "thank you, Sir" and he's gone, the door of Severus' bedroom softly closing behind him.

And Severus wonders if he should have said something, which is just ridiculous, because what could he have said that would have made any difference?

Besides, it's not as if he cared.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, let me know what you think? It'll keep my muse happy, and whenever she's happy she gifts me with ideas ^^

It's been nine days since he's been injured, and he finally begins to feel better. Nine days since the Dark Lord – no, Voldemort, he has to call him Voldemort now – has been killed by the teenager who's currently taking care of Severus.

Nine days, and Severus can't for the life of him figure out just why Harry stays here, hidden in the dungeons, barely leaving Severus' side. The young man is quiet and withdrawn since the funerals, and Severus knows he hasn't talked with anyone about it. And he knows Harry will have to. He just wishes it hadn't to be him, of all people.

"Harry?"

"Yes, Sir?"

Severus winces at the formal and slightly concerned tone.

"How are you? And don't give me your bullshit about being fine."

"I'm..." Severus sees the struggle on the teen's face, as if he's trying to both understand how he feels, and decide how much he really wants to tell his former Potions Professor. "I don't know."

"Did you talk to someone after the funerals? Minerva? Or Miss Granger, perhaps?"

Merlin knows it kills him to admit it, but Granger is a smart girl, and she's always been loyal to Harry. She's probably the most logical choice.

"No. Minerva is busy anyway, with all the injured people and the repairs. And Hermione has sent several letters, but I..."

"Where is Miss Granger staying?"

"At the Burrow."

"I see."

"I don't want to disturb the Weasleys. They're..." The green eyes fill with tears and Harry looks away. "They're grieving and I'm not sure I'm welcome anymore."

"I somehow highly doubt that, but you could always ask Miss Granger to come to Hogwarts. Don't argue. She has written to you. She's certainly concerned and wants to see how you are doing."

"I told her I'm alright, but she's stubborn."

Severus snorts, because, really, stubborn should have been Harry's middle name. He almost says so before another idea occurs to him. A Slytherin idea, of course.

"Harry, didn't it cross your mind that maybe Miss Granger needs to speak to you? That maybe she's not doing so well herself?"

Realisation downs on the teen's face and Harry's skin loses all color. Severus nearly rolls his eyes – honestly, those Gryffindors are so predictable that it's not even funny.

"Oh no! I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I didn't even think of that! I'm going to send her an owl right away. Thank you, Sir!"

The dark haired flashes Severus a small smile before leaving in a hurry.

HP-HP-HP-HP

It's been decided that miss Granger will visit this afternoon, and for some reason everyone – Harry, Poppy and Minerva, that is – seem to think that Severus cannot stay alone for a few hours.

"Minerva, this is ridiculous."

"Of course not, Severus. Tea?"

Severus nods stiffly.

"Oh, don't scowl like that. You forget that I know you, Severus. Although I must admit that I have misjudged you terribly for the past year, and for that I apologize."

"You couldn't possibly have known, Minerva."

"But I should have. I should have trusted Albus. I should have trusted you. The truth is, you played your part too well."

"I promised Albus I would."

"I know. I know." Minerva sighs and takes a sip of her tea. "But I still feel guilty. You should have told me, Severus. I can't begin to imagine how you felt during all this time…"

"No one could know, Minerva. It didn't matter how I felt."

"Well, it matters to me. And don't even think to push us away now Severus."

"Am I expected to teach potions in September again?"

"You're not expected to do anything, Severus. You're free to do whatever you want. Nevertheless if you have no intention to remain Headmaster, I would suggest that you submit the name of your replacement to the Board of Governors."

"I- what?"

"You're still Headmaster, Severus. Albus named you, the Board approved your nomination – of course at the time it had little to do with Albus recommendation, but still."

"I couldn't possibly… I mean…"

Severus is truly speechless. How in the name of the Founders is it even possible for him to remain Headmaster?

"Minerva… You saw what happened to the students while I was Headmaster… I'm…"

"I know, Severus. But I think we all understand why it happened and what you were forced to do."

"No… No, Minerva. It's been the worst year of my life."

"I understand, Severus. Just let the Board of Governors know who your successor should be, will you? Merlin knows we will need things to settle down quickly."

"I will, Minerva."

"Will you remain our Potions Master, though?"

"I… I have nowhere else to go."

It burns his throat to admit it, even to Minerva, whose gaze softens almost imperceptibly. To his relief, there's no pity in her eyes, just warmth and understanding, and some kind of deeper feeling that Severus can't name.

"It's alright, Severus. Hogwarts is your home for as long as you wish. How are you feeling? Poppy has told me that you're progressing nicely."

"I suppose so, if 'nicely' means that I'm now able to use my own two hands."

Minerva chuckles and shakes her head.

"And how are things with Harry? Do you two manage to… find a common ground?"

"The boy is not completely inept." Minerva pinches her lips disapprovingly and Severus smirks. "I can't fathom why he's staying here, though. Surely he has better things to do."

"I know. I think Harry isn't doing so well. It was to be expected, really. I wonder what Albus was thinking. I'm worried about Harry, actually."

"He was really distraught not to be able to go the funerals, Minerva. Who told him not to?"

"Arthur Weasley." Minerva closes her eyes for a second and Severus belatedly realizes how tired she looks, how truly exhausted. "He didn't mean any arm, but… Those reporters are tracking the poor boy everywhere he goes, not to mention the fans. And there's always the possibility of a threat on his person, of course. The Weasleys didn't wanted a bunch of Aurors invading the burial of their son."

"He thinks he's not welcome anymore. He doesn't dare contact anyone."

"We've badly handled the whole thing, I'm afraid."

"I let him use the Absens Testis."

"Oh… Thank you for that, Severus."

"It's not nearly enough."

"I know. I hope he'll soon talk with the Weasleys and understand that it wasn't meant to hurt him."

"He's hiding."

"I know."

"Maybe he needs to. For a while, at least."

"Will you let him stay with you?"

"Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a monster, Minerva. Besides, I'm indebted to him."

"We all are."

"Yes."

"Maybe you'll see what you refused to see all those years, Severus."

The raven haired man raises an eyebrow and Minerva smiles, standing up gracefully. She looks at him with a look that can only be described as… fond, and she squeezes his shoulder once.

"I'm glad you're alright, Severus. I missed you – the real you, I mean. I must return to my duties, but I'll visit soon again. Please let me know if you or Harry need something. And, please, keep an eye on him."

"When haven't I?"

Minerva smiles a bit sadly and nods, and they both know he'll continue to do so.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all those who took the time to leave kudos and comments :) ! Please enjoy the next chapters!

"Draco, you are cutting off my air supply."

Severus stays frozen, mildly appalled at his godson's exuberant hug. With his upbringing, the young Malfoy heir has never been one to indulge in that sort of embarrassing display of affection – especially not in front of witness. Said witness is looking both amused and thoughtful, and his green eyes lock with Severus' for the tiniest moment before he simply nods and leaves the room.

"Sorry, Severus. I'm just... I'm so relieved to see you well."

The young man sits next to Severus on the bed and smiles softly.

"Are you alright? Is Potter treating you well?"

"As surprising as it may be, yes, he is."

"Good. I'm sorry I didn't come earlier, but I've been locked in Malfoy Manor with two Aurors until this morning and I couldn't find a way to slip out unnoticed. Not to mention Mother would have had my head if I ever did something so stupid right before our trial."

"How did it go?"

"Reasonably well, all things considered. It could have been exponentially worse. He came, you know. Potter. He came and testified for me and my mother. We're both free. I'm on probation for the next two years."

"I'm sorry about that, son."

"Don't. I expected much worse. Hell, I deserve much worse."

"Draco, you were-"

"I know! I know. What is done is done anyway. What counts is what I'll do from now on. Or at least that what Potter said to me this morning." Draco smirks at Severus raised eyebrow and shakes his head. "He's really something else, isn't he?"

"One could say that, yes."

Draco chuckles and Severus rolls his eyes. The blonde boy sobers quickly, though.

"I must admit I was relieved to hear you were safely recovering in your quarters and under Potter's guard. At first... at first I thought you didn't make it."

"You never gave me enough credit."

Severus had hoped to lighten the mood, but his godson's face closes even more, something dark clouding his light grey eyes.

"That's true. And I apologize for not trusting when I should have, Severus."

Severus waves his right hand impatiently, hoping his eyes don't shine too much. Stupid boy.

"You didn't say anything about your father, Draco."

"I know. There's nothing to say. I'm just slightly disappointed with the Ministry for banning the Dementor's Kiss, but I guess Azkaban will have to do."

"How did your mother react?"

"I don't know. She didn't tell anything. It's hard to tell." Draco looks away and sighs. "I think part of her is relieved to be rid of him, probably more for my sake than for hers. But she's lost and she doesn't know how to live without him ordering us around."

"She's a strong woman. Let her some time, Draco. How are your hands?"

"Better. My writing has improved as well."

"Good. We wouldn't want you to match Potter's chicken scratch."

Draco gives him a lopsided grin, and if it's half-hearted, it's enough for now. Merlin knows that Severus has been worried about his godson after a particularly strong "lesson" with his father had left the boy with a persistent trembling in his hands – consequence of the neural damages caused by a repeated exposure to the Cruciatus Curse. Severus had had a hard time restraining himself from killing Lucius on the spot.

After a few minutes, Draco stands up and promises to come back soon. Severus just nods and watches him leave, feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He hasn't even realized how worried he has been about Draco until now.

Harry comes back an hour later, looking his tired and quiet self.

"Draco told me you testified for him this morning."

"Er… well, yes. I did."

"Did you go alone?"

"I wanted to. But Minerva was waiting for me out of your rooms." Harry shrugs and takes his usual sit on the high back chair beside Severus' bed.

"It was very generous of you to do so."

"It wasn't. It was just… the right thing to do, you know? Besides, Mrs. Malfoy and Draco both saved my life during the war."

"I highly doubt you were merely paying your debts, Harry."

Harry chuckles and his eyes sparkle for a moment.

"You're right. I wasn't – I couldn't care less about those stupid debts. But I told the Malfoys I was. It was easier for them to accept this way. Slytherins" the young man adds, rolling his eyes.

"I see. You are full of surprises. That was actually clever. Did you talk with Miss Granger yesterday?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"She's… she feels sorry for me. I can't stand it. She wanted me to come to the Burrow with her. Minerva told me about the funerals and why they didn't want me to come, by the way. But… I can't go to the Burrow. I can't. I'm not ready. Not sure if I ever will be."

Severus keeps his face carefully blank – Merlin knows he has had enough training as a double agent – and hums noncommittally.

"I think they're happy now. I mean, of course they're mourning Fred and probably missing him and… well… you know. But, it's over, and they'll be alright. And if I go there, they'll just… keep on remember what happened and be sad and… I don't know."

"As much as I'd like to say otherwise, the Weasleys are kind and loyal people. They always make sure to make everyone feel welcome – even I, which is saying something." Harry bits his lower lip to hide his smile and Severus smirks. "You are definitely a part of their family, Harry. If you refuse to see them, you won't spare them pain. You will only cause them more pain, because they'll feel as if they had lost another son."

"But-"

"I think they made an error with the funerals, but their pain probably blinded them to yours. Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley are your friends. You have experienced terrible things together, and you need each other to heal. They will perhaps not fully understand what you are experiencing, but I don't believe they will judge you either."

"Hermione and Ron are dating, you know."

"About time."

"That's what I said."

"And why did you think Mr. Weasley's romantic entanglements would interest me?"

"That's another reason why I don't really want to go to the Burrow. It'll be awkward, you know? It's always been the three of us, and now…"

"I see."

Well, Severus doesn't really see at all, but he supposes he has to say something. Merlin saves him from hormonal and over dramatic teenagers.

"Ginny didn't wait for me."

Shit. That is unexpected. Severus struggles to think of a suitable answer, but Harry saves him.

"We broke up before I went to search for the Horcruxes with Hermione and Ron. I have no idea why I'm telling you all this" Harry mutters.

"Because I am unfortunately stuck in bed and therefore an ideal confident?" Harry flushes and Severus sighs heavily. "Did you expect to pursue a relationship with Miss Weasley after the war?"

"Not really. I don't know. I didn't expect to live, I think. But… I did, and somehow I thought…"

Harry shrugs and looks up.

"I don't think I was in love with her. I mean, I love her, but I'm not in love. But it was a nice dream, to be with her. To think I could have something like my Mum and my Dad had. I know it can't be, but it still sting a little bit."

"Why in the hell couldn't you have something like your parents had?"

"Please don't make fun of me, Sir. Just don't." Severus opens his mouth to answer but Harry goes on. "So you think I should visit them?"

"Yes. I think you should."

Green eyes search his face for a long moment and Severus doesn't even dare to blink. Finally the young man nods and leans back in his chair, seeming somewhat relieved.

And Severus wonders how he's going to survive the next weeks.


	6. Chapter 6

This is by far the most humiliating, mortifying and difficult moment of his life. Which is saying something, considering what his life has been so far. His face is flaming despite the white-hot pain in his back, and Severus wonders what the hell he has been thinking.

Well, he knows what he has been thinking. That doesn't mean it wasn't a stupid, stupid idea. Honestly, he probably deserves the humiliation.

Most people wouldn't believe it, but Severus loves to take baths. With scalding hot water and lots of vanilla scented bath salts. So what? Every man is entitled to have a weakness, and soaking in too hot water has always allowed Severus to feel somewhat relaxed and at peace, especially during his darkest hours. And after two weeks of cleaning charms, he had been rather desperate to have a bath. His quarters have a very nice bathroom with a shower – and of course a giant bathtub. He had been sure he was feeling well enough to manage the few feet between his bed and the bathroom and to have a nice soak while Harry bloody Potter is away doing Merlin knows what.

And this is how he finds himself on the bathroom cold tiles, clad in only his boxers because he had actually managed to take his pajamas off before collapsing, while the water is cooling in the bathtub. He couldn't stand up if his life depended on it – which will probably be the case if Harry, of all people, finds him like that. The boy will have the time of his life.

He's cold, he's hurting, and he's feeling miserable. His life has always sucked, but this is the cherry on top of the cake. To make things worse, he has seen what two weeks in bed have done to his body – not to mention the hideous scars on his neck. He's paler than ever, and he has lost at least fifteen pounds.

"Sir? Sir? Professor!"

Harry's voice sounds panicked and Severus almost rolls his eyes. He will not call for help. He will not. Harry is suddenly here, kneeling next to him with a worried frown.

"Professor! What happened? Are you hurt?"

"What do you think, you dunderhead?"

"Let me call Poppy."

"No! No. Just get me back in bed." Harry's eyes suddenly lock with his and he feels like crying. Which is ridiculous, honestly. "Please" he hears himself whisper, and that must convince the teenager, because he just nods and casts a Featherlight Charm on Severus before taking him in his arms and carrying him, bridal style, to his bed.

Severus wishes he could just make himself disappear. Or maybe get his wand and Obliviate Harry.

"Here. Where are you hurt?"

Harry doesn't seem to be amused, though. He's still looking concerned and serious, and not at all like someone who's planning to make fun of Severus or to tell his friends about his Potions Master's humiliation at the first opportunity. And Severus is fairly sure the young man wouldn't fake his concern that convincingly. He has always worn his heart on his sleeve. Gryffindors.

"I collapsed and hit my back" Severus finally says through gritted teeth.

"Do you want me to take a look and see what I can do, or do you prefer Poppy to come by? I'm not sure I'm-"

"It's nothing. Give me a Pain potion and go away."

Harry's frown deepens and he shakes his head stubbornly.

"No. Someone has to make sure you weren't hurt too badly. If you don't want me to check, then I'll call Poppy."

And the teen has the cheek to smirk, because he knows Severus won't want someone else to know. Maybe not as Gryffindor as Severus had thought.

"If you must absolutely waste your precious time on me, then by all means, go ahead. I'm sure your adoring public can wait for you some more."

Harry's smirk grows wider and Severus almost groans out loud. He definitely has lost his touch.

"Poppy's taught me a few diagnostic spells. Don't move."

Severus refrains to comment on the idiocy of even trying to teach anything to Harry and stays still. His back still hurts like hell, after all, and it wouldn't do to jeopardize his already long recovery. The faster he is healed, the quicker he'll be rid of the annoying brat.

"Nothing's broken. But you'll get a nasty bruise. I'll go and ask Poppy to see if she has a balm or something like that to make it heal quicker."

"No need. I've got a bruise balm here. Top drawer of my bed table."

Severus clamps his mouth shut. He's almost added 'next to the lube'. Damn. And now there's no way Harry won't see the phial. Hopefully he won't know what it is. Maybe he's not familiar with wizarding lube. Yeah, right. A teenage boy who lived in a wizarding school for years who wouldn't know. One can always hope.

But the dark haired teen says nothing, merely retrieving the balm from the drawer and opening it to smell the preparation.

"Smells good. Did you brew it yourself?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"Why would you be sorry for now?"

"I'm sorry you had to brew a bruise balm and keep it next to your bed. You shouldn't have had to. Would you turn on your stomach, Sir?"

Severus does as requested without protesting. Has Harry just said he was sorry for Severus' spying years? The teen's hands are warm and cautious, applying the balm carefully but thoroughly to Severus' back.

"I'm not hurting you, am I Sir?"

"No. I've had worse anyway."

"I know. It doesn't mean you have to suffer when we can avoid it. There, all done, I think. D'you need the pain potion?"

"I'll save it for tonight. Thanks, Harry."

Severus turns around and lies back, and Harry's smile is blinding.

"You're welcome."

He stands up and puts the balm back in Severus' drawer, again not mentioning anything about the other content of said drawer.

"You know Professor, if you wanted a bath, you could just have asked me. I understand it's not easy for you to admit you need help, but-"

"Shut up, Potter."

"No, I mean it. I know you're going to be mad at me but I don't care. You're used to be alone, and you're used to suffer alone. But you're not alone anymore. There are plenty of people who care about you and who want to help you. So-"

"I believe I said you should shut the hell up."

Severus' hands are tightly balled into fists and he's shaking with rage. How dare he?

"I know. But I won't. You know how I am. I'm here to help you, and if you need something, I need you to say it. Besides, if you go on and hurt yourself further, you'll only get stuck with me longer. We wouldn't want that, now would we?"

"Clearly." Severus sneers out of habit, but it's halfhearted. He's so tired all of a sudden. So tired.

"Good. Now that it is cleared, I think I'll let you rest and be mad at me for a little while. I promised to help Hagrid with the repairs outside. See you later!"

Harry is almost at the door when Severus finds the guts to call him back.

"Harry! Thank you."

"Don't mention it, Sir."

"You may call me Severus. I believe seeing me in my underwear puts us on a first name basis."

The teen's eyes soften almost instantly and he smiles.

"Probably, yes. I'll be back later, Severus."

The door closes softly behind him and Severus wonders when he has lost his sanity. Or what was left of it, anyway.

He's supposed to keep an eye on Harry and make sure the teen is coping as best as he can. Not the other way around.

And no matter what the blasted Savior says, he is alone. Minerva and Poppy and Draco may care about him to a certain extent, but he is – and he always has been – alone. And he shouldn't forget it. He's too old to be tricked into believing otherwise.


	7. Chapter 7

Severus is a bit ashamed to admit that he's been in his quarters with Potter - Harry, damnit - for nearly three weeks, and that he has never thought to ask the boy. It hasn't even crossed his mind. Maybe he's really as evil as everyone thinks he is.

"Harry? Where are you sleeping?"

"What?"

"Where are you sleeping at night? I know you're staying in Hogwarts, but are you getting back to the Gryffindor Tower every night?"

Harry seems completely taken aback by the question. He blinks twice and seems to finally gather his wits.

"Er... I sleep in your living room, actually."

"Pardon me?"

"I sleep here. I-I wanted to be next to you should you need anything at night, and, well, I feel safer here anyway. And then there's the fact that I don't want to sleep up there on my own, it's too depressing, so... yeah."

"My couch isn't the most comfortable thing to sleep on."

Severus winces. The damn thing is older than him and nearly falling apart. Harry grins and Severus raises an eyebrow.

"I know. I tried sleeping on it the first night. I swear it's harder than the floor. I just decided to bring my mattress from the Gryffindor Tower here after that." Severus' eyes widen and Harry misinterprets his reaction. "Don't worry, I roll it up in the morning and hide it in the hall cupboard, so that nobody sees it, really. I didn't change anything in your living room."

The teenager looks very pleased with himself and Severus shakes his head in disbelief.

"You idiotic boy, why in the blaze didn't you Transfigure my old couch into a decent bed?"

"I don't know. I didn't think of that. Plus I wouldn't want to destroy your furniture if I messed it up, you know."

"If you help me to the living room, I'll do it for you."

"There's no need for that, Severus. I'm alright, really. I like sleeping on my mattress. I know it's not really mine, but it feels like it after six years, you know?"

Harry seems genuinely content and Severus wonders how he could have ever thought this boy to be a spoiled and coddled child. Had he really been that blinded by his own hatred?

But yes, he had been. Even after witnessing the boy's memories during those horrible Occlumency lessons, he didn't change his mind about Harry. He didn't want to. Maybe Albus was right all along. Maybe they're more alike than he's willing to admit. He has to say something, something to let Harry know that he understands.

"There are spare blankets in my wardrobe, if you're cold at night. I know the dungeons aren't the warmest place."

Harry seems to understand the real meaning of the statement because he smiles softly and nods. Then he suddenly smirks and his eyes sparkle with mirth.

"Are they all black?"

"What?"

"Your spare blankets. Are they black? Because you know, I can't believe you actually sleep in black sheets and that-ow!"

Severus smirks as his Stinging Hex has hit the boy's posterior quite successfully. Harry rubs his left buttock and scowls. Severus feels like chuckling for some reason – which very disturbing.

"Brat. Go and make us some tea instead of uttering your usual nonsense."

The dark haired teen just laughs and stands up, and Severus sighs quietly. He can't for the life of him figure out what exactly is going on with that impossible boy. The mere fact that Harry seems to be completely at ease in the dungeons with his former and rather unapproachable Potions Master is as bewildering as it is unsettling.

And if there's one thing that Severus hates, it's being unsettled. His years as a double agent have taught him to be always prepared, to know where he stands and to understand his opponents as well as his allies. But Harry remains a mystery to him, in spite of the way the boy wears his heart on his sleeve just like his dead parents and his mutt of a godfather had. Hopefully he will soon be well enough to manage on his own, and he'll send Harry away.

 _You keep telling yourself that_ , a voice that disturbingly sounds like Albus' whispers gleefully in his mind, and Severus closes his eyes in annoyance. He's too young to go insane, really.

HP-HP-HP-HP

"I think you should take that bath today."

"No."

"I'll help you."

"No."

"Don't be like that. I know you want to. And Poppy said it would be good for you. Up you go."

"Potter, unhand me this instant!"

"Oh, please. You're being ridiculous, you know."

"Potter!"

"And why are you calling me Potter again? I thought we were past that, really."

The infuriating moron casts a Featherlight Charm on Severus before gathering him in his arms. Severus wonders gloomily when exactly he has lost his ability to scare people. Then again, Harry actually defeated the Dark Lord. Perhaps it's the boy who's lost his ability to be scared. Though Severus highly doubt that.

"Here we are. How do you prefer the water?"

Severus tries to think of something to say to avoid this new humiliation, but he can't deny that he rather wants that bath.

"Hot. With those bath salts over there. Two handfuls."

Harry grins as wide as he can and Severus rolls his eyes half-heartedly. He lets Harry prepare his bath as he sits on the edge, and silently thanks the young man as Harry turns around to let him get out of his pajamas and slide in the tub as gracefully as he's able to. Severus sighs with pleasure as hot water surrounds his tired and sore body and the sweet scent of the bath salts make his nostrils flare with enthusiasm. He catches himself with a scowl, suddenly remembering that Harry is still here, but the young man is observing him with a thoughtful look. Severus' scowl deepens.

"Get out" he snaps. Harry flinches as if he had been hit, and Severus experiences the weird feeling of actually regretting his harshness. "Please, Harry. I... I would prefer being alone, as you certainly can imagine."

Damn, it's easier to be a bastard.

"Alright. But please call me if you need help."

"I will."

"Good. Will you... will you tell me about my mother, later?"

Severus freezes. Merlin, but Harry has a way of blurting things out at the most impossible times. Severus is sure as hell that he doesn't want to talk about Lily as he's lying naked in his tub with the son of his dead best friend.

"You don't have to, you know, I just... I just thought... Nobody ever talks about them, you know."

"I will."

"Thank you."

"Now get out before I hex you."

Harry snorts and closes the door behind him, and Severus is left to his bath, feeling strangely content and warm, and at the same time dreading the coming conversation with the boy whose parents he killed. But he supposes they have to talk about it.

 _And you hope it won't drive Harry away_ , Albus' voice supplies unhelpfully.

Maybe he is getting insane after all. Merlin knows too many Cruciatus Curses aren't healthy.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry hands him a steaming cup of tea before sitting in his usual chair, an expectant look on his face. Severus looks down and stares at the brown liquid between his hands for a full minute, trying to find a way to avoid this conversation. He doesn't want to talk about her, about the past, about his mistakes. But this is not about him, is it? This is about Harry. This is about the son of his long-lost friend and Severus knows he owes Lily's memory that much. Her son deserves the truth.

"Lily… Lily was my first friend. She was my only friend for a very long time. She was… She was kind and fair. She didn't care about fame and money, she didn't see the rest of the world like the other children and teenagers do." Severus sighs and closes his eyes, focusing on the memory of Lily. "She was a clever and powerful witch, as well – she was one of the best student, and she liked to read so much... I think only Miss Granger spent more time than Lily in the library. She was truly brilliant. Not pretentious by any mean, but confident and skilled. She was quite temperamental as well. I think everyone who knew her remembers at least one of her fits of anger."

"You loved her very much."

"Yes. I wasn't the only one. Lily had that ability to charm people without even trying."

"Is that why you hated my Dad- James so much? Because she chose him?"

Severus frowns and looks at the young man, at his pale face and anxious eyes, and he suddenly understands what Harry means.

"You seem under the impression that I was in love with Lily, which I was not."

"But you said you loved her-"

"I did, and I loved her. I think I will always love her. But there are many kinds of love, Harry. I loved Lily like a friend, almost one would love a sister, I guess. My love for Lily is the sort of love your are feeling for Miss Granger, if I am not mistaken."

"Oh! Oh. I-I mean… Sorry, I-"

"Harry."

"Right, sorry."

"I hated your father because he was everything I wasn't: popular, confident, with lots of friends and a general disdain for rules. I hated him because he bullied me mercilessly and yes, because he finally had Lily's love while I had foolishly lost her friendship."

"I'm sorry."

Harry's voice is small and soft, and he's suddenly fixing the old rug with an unnatural intensity.

"Don't, Harry. I-" Damn, this is hard. "Harry, I am sorry. As loathe as I am to admit it, your father did grow up from his teenage years. No matter what he did to me during our school years, he fought for the Light when very few wizards had the courage to choose a camp. He did his best to protect you and your mother, and he died fighting for the two of you. James Potter more than made up for his mistakes. And I should never have let my hatred for your dead father allow me to bully you. I did to you what he did to me, perhaps even worse because I was your teacher, and I apologize for it."

"I know you had to, with your work as a spy and-"

Severus raises a hand and Harry mercifully closes his mouth. Thank Merlin he has still some authority.

"No. While it is true that I couldn't be overly friendly with the Boy-Who-Lived, what I did went far beyond this, and I regret it. You did not deserve any of it, especially considering your childhood and the burden you had to carry."

There. He's said it, and nothing too bad has happened, after all. He risks a sideway glance to Harry and the dark haired meets his gaze, his eyes wide and bright.

"I'msorryIlookedinyourPensieveIdidn'tmeantodoit."

"I beg your pardon?"

Harry inhales deeply and closes his eyes.

"I'm sorry I looked into your Pensieve. I… I truly didn't mean to do it, but you know me… I act before I think."

"I shouldn't have thrown you out, and I shouldn't have stopped our lessons. I guess it doesn't matter now."

"Well, I did break into your memories and-"

"Harry, you were… what, fourteen? I was the adult, I was your Professor and I should have known better than let my anger get the better of me. If anything, it was rather idiotic of me to leave you alone with my Pensieve when I knew perfectly well how insanely curious you are. I think we should… let this behind us. I forgave you for this incident a long time ago."

"Thank you."

Severus waves his hand impatiently. There is something he hasn't talked about – and he doesn't understand why Harry hasn't either.

"I killed your parents. And this sin I do not know how to atone for."

"No! No. You didn't know!"

"True. I didn't know who the Prophety was referring to. Is it any better? At the time, I was ready to let the Dark Lord kill an innocent child."

Harry winces and Severus smiles bitterly.

"I think in a way, I would never have truly understood if it hadn't been about Lily. About you."

"How so?"

"I… I wanted to believe that there was somewhere I was wanted. Somewhere I was truly respected and even admired for some of my skills. And I was young and foolish enough to believe that the Dark Lord could give me that. I closed my eyes on the rest. I didn't want to see what that madman really was about. I didn't want to hear about the murders, about the tortures. At the time I only brew for the Dark Lord, I had never been on the field, so to speak. But… when I learned that Voldemort thought the child was James' and Lily's… suddenly, it was real. It was about real people. Real people that I knew, that I loved. I think I understood that day what a mistake I had made."

There are tears in his eyes and Severus fights not to let them fall. He. Will. Not. Cry.

"Severus…"

"When Albus gave me a chance to redeem myself, or to a least try to, I took it."

"Sometimes I hate him."

"What? Who?"

"Dumbledore."

Severus forgets about the pain in his chest and looks at Harry, for once completely at loss.

"Why?"

"Because of what he did to you. Sometimes because of what he did to me, too."

"Ah. Yes, I believe you were hurt needlessly. Albus should have seen what happened to you with the Dursleys. I am sure the Weasleys would have taken you in. And I didn't approve his decision to keep information from you, especially concerning the last Horcrux. Once again, I apologize. I should have fought him harder on this point."

"Don't. It wasn't your fault. He shouldn't have let you play the spy this long either. And he sure as hell shouldn't have asked you to kill him! That was cruel and… and you spent the following months alone and-"

"Harry, I needed to. It was necessary."

"No. I'm sure he could have found another solution. But he was so sure you wouldn't say no, he was so sure I wasn't going to back down even if I learned about my own death at the very last moment… And what if you had died? What if you hadn't time to give me your memories?"

Harry seems genuinely upset, not only for himself, but in Severus' behalf as well. Severus guesses he shouldn't be so surprised, but he is nonetheless.

"Harry…"

"He used you! He used the two of us, like we were only soldiers, like we were only pieces of chess that he could move at his will!"

"Yes. He did. Harry, what you need to understand about Albus is that he was, above all, a leader. He knew what he had to do to win this war, he knew how to use people for this mean. He often regretted what he had to do, but he would never have changed his path, because what was at stake was bigger than individuals. It was bigger than him or you and I. But, Harry, it doesn't mean he didn't love you. He did, believe me. You were probably his biggest regret."

"I-I-when I saw him, after I sort of… well, died, I couldn't even be mad at him. I-I couldn't tell him. It didn't seem so important after all."

"You have every right to be mad at him. It doesn't mean you don't love him."

"Are you? Mad at him, I mean?"

"Not anymore. I was, when he asked me to kill him. I was so mad. Albus was my friend, you know. My only true friend, the only one who knew exactly who I was and what I was doing. He knew how much I wanted out, even if I knew I couldn't."

"Did he come to you when you came back hurt? There is no way he didn't know, I mean he knew everything."

"No, he did not." Harry opens his mouth to answer and Severus shakes his head. "Not because he didn't care, on the contrary. He knew I would have hated for him to see me like that."

"Oh. But… I mean…"

"I think you know exactly what I am talking about, Harry. How many times did you suffer in silence? How many times were you hurt and kept it to yourself?"

The young man blushes deeply and Severus smirks. Though it's not funny, actually. It's rather sad.

"Harry, I would like you to do something for me."

"Sure, anything."

Severus groans.

"Harry, never say something like that. You don't know what I am going to ask from you. The best answer would be 'I'll help you if I can' or something similar."

"But-"

"Yes, yes, I know. You are a Gryffindor, no sense of self-preservation. Honestly." Severus rolls his eyes. "You are lucky, I am not going to ask you to prepare potion ingredients. Though I probably should, to make you learn your lesson."

"Do not agree to anything?"

"Yes. Stupid boy." It's out of his mouth before Severus can think of it, but it lacks the usual venom. It's said rather… fondly, actually, and Harry seems to notice, because he just grins. "Anyway, from now on, I want you to tell someone when something is wrong. Whether you're hurt or don't feel well or need someone to talk, tell someone. I don't care who. Tell Poppy, or Minerva, or one of the Weasleys, but do it."

"Could I tell you?"

Severus blinks.

"I mean…"

"Of course, Harry. You have to break that habit to keep everything to yourself to spare others."

"I will if you do the same."

"What?"

"I will do what you ask if you do the same in return. Talk to someone when you need to."

"I am not- alright. I suppose it's only fair."

"Yes."

The teen smiles brilliantly and Severus feels the corners of his mouth twitch.

"It seems there is some Slytherin in you, Harry."

"Well, I was almost Sorted in your House, so it seems only logical."

"I don't want to know."

Harry chuckles and Severus settles back in his pillows. He has survived the dreaded conversation, after all. And Harry has not hexed him or left him alone.

For some reason, it makes him foolishly optimistic and somehow… giddy, if such thing as a giddy Severus Snape were possible. Which it's not, of course.

Severus scowls.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And two more! Thanks to you all for your support ;)

Severus can't think of anything else. How could he? The heart-shattering cries fill the darkness around him and he has stopped trying to pretend he can't hear it. To pretend it's not the saddest thing he's ever heard, and Merlin knows he has seen and heard pretty sad things.

It's the first time he hears the teen at night - then again, that's probably because it's the first time he isn't filled to the brim with Pain Potions and Sleeping Draughts. How long has it been going on? Since the Final Battle? Before that? Since Black died? Is Harry even awake, or is he crying in his sleep, his mind giving in to the grief the boy isn't allowing himself to feel during daytime? Severus sits up slowly in bed before cautiously putting his bare feet on the old rug. He shivers a little – even in his pajamas, the dungeons are bloody cold at night. He retrieves his wand from its usual spot – under his pillow – and whispers "Lumos", blinking as the somewhat too harsh light hurts his eyes.

Standing up is relatively easy for him now, it's walking on his own that remains a challenge. His legs are weakened by weeks spent in bed and by the remains of Nagini's poison in his body, not to mention the various and numerous potions he has taken. Like with Muggle medecine, the side effects can be bloody annoying.

Severus is not panting as he finally reaches his bedroom door, thank you very much. He's merely breathing heavily. And possibly sweating. Anyway, the point is he has reached the door, and is even able to let go of the wall with his right hand to open the damn thing. The cries have not stopped, if anything, there are louder, and somehow more... desperate. Severus steps forward, his lit wand held in front of him, and tries to see where Harry has put his mattress for the night. He finally spots it next to his old couch, where Harry has apparently thrown his clothes before going to bed. Severus scowls at the untidiness of it all, but the boy makes a weird choked sound and the older man focuses on the task at hand.

He all but collapses next to the mattress, wincing when his knees hit the cold stone ground much harder than expected. Harry is curled on his side, almost completely buried under several blankets. His messy dark head sticks out and Severus sighs at the pale face and tear-stained cheeks.

"Harry? Come on, wake up."

Severus hesitantly reaches out and touches the back of his fingers to the teen's wet cheek.

"You're dreaming, Harry, only dreaming."

The skin of Harry's cheekbone is soft and smooth, but as Severus draws his hand lower on the boy's face, he can feel the scratch of stubble, rough and almost surprising. Not a boy anymore. Harry's eyes flutter open, and Severus hastily removes his hand.

"Harry? Are you awake now?"

Green eyes widen and sleepily blink, the teen needing several seconds to realize what is happening.

"Oh no. I'm sorry. Did I wake you up? Merlin I'm so sorry, I'm going to cast a Silencing Charm from now on, I swear I didn't mean to-"

"Hush now. There is no harm done. Are you feeling better? Do you want to talk about it?"

Fresh tears fill the green eyes and Severus lowers his wand, not wanting to embarrass the young man further.

"It's alright, you don't have to."

"I'm sorry."

"Well, don't be. I'm afraid you'll have to help me back in my bed, though."

Severus is a bit ashamed to admit it, but it's true, and it will certainly put the teen out of his misery.

"Of course. You shouldn't have come, you could just have-"

"I am aware of my appalling reputation, but do you truly believe me cruel enough to let someone suffer in my own home without doing something about it?"

"No, of course not, I just meant-"

"Will you help me or not? My knees are killing me"

Harry hastily sits up and disentangles himself from the blankets before kneeling next to Severus, carefully wrapping the older man's arm around his slim shoulders.

"Up we go. You okay?"

"Yes."

The trip back to Severus' bedroom seems much shorter with Harry's help. The young man gently makes Severus sits on his bed, and straightens the sheets and the heavy comforter after the older man has lied down.

"Are you tucking me in, Harry?"

"Err... sorry. Are you alright now? I'm very sorry that you-"

"Hush. I think we have to do something about that. I don't think it's a good idea for me to make this little nightly trip to wake you up just now.

"I know, you don't have to, I'll just-"

"Will you kindly shut up? Bring your damn mattress here."

"What?"

"You heard me. I won't have you cast Silencing Charms when I could wake you up from your nightmares."

"It's not a big deal-"

Severus growls. Then he's a bit appalled by his behavior. Though it seems to have done the trick, since Harry has closed his mouth rather quickly.

"You will sleep here from now on. This way I will hear you and wake you up, should you need it. Your nightmares won't stop if you go on like that. Your mind needs to understand that you are safe now. And you have to allow yourself to mourn your friends. We will talk about that tomorrow. I'm tired and we both need to sleep. Bring your things here and be quick about it."

Severus allows himself to smirk when Harry stumbles in the room, clumsily holding his mattress under one arm and clutching his blankets against his chest with the other. As the dark haired sets up his bed in a corner of the room, Severus chuckles.

"Why in the blaze do you need so many blankets? It's not a bed, it's a nest!"

"I know. It's ridiculous. But... it makes me feel... I don't know, safe."

Even in the dark room with only his wand for light, Severus knows the boy is blushing, and he curses himself for his stupidity.

"I apologize, Harry. I didn't want to embarrass you."

"It's alright. I know I'm weird."

"You are not. Well, not weirder than I am, I suppose. I sleep with my wand under my pillow and a spare one is hidden under the mattress. And I have to see the door and the window at all times. Even now, I am not able to relax enough to do otherwise."

"Paranoiac?"

"Yes. So, you see, I am not in a position to mock your sleeping habits, Harry."

"Thank you for letting me sleep here, Severus."

"You're welcome." Severus frowns. "Of course it is more for my comfort than yours."

"Of course."

Severus swears he can hear Harry's smirk. Cheeky brat. He almost makes a scathing comment when the teen speaks again.

"Goodnight, Severus."

His voice is soft and unsure, and Severus knows Harry expects a rebuff.

"Goodnight, brat."

The quiet chuckle makes Severus smiles before he can catch himself. Luckily he has already casted Nox and Harry can't see it.

Severus' last thought before he falls asleep again is that he has to be careful, because Harry seems to have a bad influence on him. And the worse is, the teen doesn't seem aware of the changes he's causing in his old, scarred and lonely professor.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter mentions past child abuse and past sexual abuse, though nothing graphic. Read with caution.

"Good morning, Severus! How are you feeling?"

"Well I'd certainly feel better if you weren't that cheerful in the morning."

"Yes, yes. So, I thought you'd been well enough to take your breakfast in the living room. What do you think?"

The teen is looking at him expectantly, with his impossible hair even messier than usual after the night, his rumpled pajamas and a wide grin lightning his features.

"I think I should find another caretaker."

"That's settled then" Harry says, and Severus rolls his eyes. "Up we go, then. We wouldn't want the food to go cold."

"Merlin forbids the great Harry Potter eats less than perfect food" Severus snarls.

"I think I've eaten enough cold leftovers to last me a lifetime, actually."

Shit. Harry's arms are still around him and the young man is still carefully walking beside him, but Severus feels how rigid the dark haired is.

"I apologize, Harry. That was uncalled for and unnecessarily mean. I am sorry."

"Old habits die hard and all that tripe, I guess?"

"Well, yes. And… Perhaps it is easier to forget that I've been wrong about you than to admit my mistake and how I've failed you."

"Severus-"

"Please, let me say it." Harry helps him to sit on one of the chairs of the living room, and Severus smiles at the sight of the gigantic breakfast that has been delivered to them. "I, of all people, should have been able to see the signs. I should have known and I should have done something about it. It is true that no one could have changed your destiny with the Dark Lord, but you shouldn't have had to suffer that much during your childhood, and for that I am truly sorry."

"It wasn't your fault."

Harry sits in front of him and Severus sighs.

"But it was. In the end, it's my fault. And Albus'. We can't change the past, but I would like to try and be your friend. I will do my best to… how can I put it?"

"To quell the urge to snap at me at every chance?"

Severus' gaze meets Harry's, and the green eyes are full of amusement and some kind of bittersweet emotion that Severus can't decipher.

"Yes."

"Alright."

"Good." Severus busies himself with the tea and uses the time to fight a very embarrassing blush. Black for him, two spoons of sugar and a splash of milk for Harry. "How did you sleep?"

"Good."

"Do not lie to me."

"I'm not! After you woke me up, I slept alright." Harry takes his cup with a smile and stirs the steaming liquid with his spoon absently. "I think it's because you make me feel safe. Because I knew you wouldn't mind if I woke you up and you wouldn't get mad at me, you know."

"Why in the name of the Founders would I get mad at you for having nightmares?"

Harry just shakes his head and bits his lower lip. And Severus understands, suddenly, he understands all of it.

"Harry… Were your relatives angry with you for having nightmares? Did they… Did they punish you for it?"

"I-I mean… it's not-My uncle had to get up early to go to work and I kept on waking up the whole house with my screams, because at the time I wasn't allowed to do magic during the holidays so I couldn't cast Silencing Charms and-"

"Slow down, Harry. It wasn't your fault if you were – are – plagued with nightmares, and your relatives should have comforted you. Hell, they should have tried to understand why you had such nightmares and perhaps written to Albus to ask for help."

"I don't think that it would have even crossed their minds."

Harry blinks, genuinely confused, and Severus sighs deeply. He takes the time to butter his toast and motions for Harry to eat as well. The teen drowns his eggs in ketchup, to Severus' disgust.

"Harry… what did your uncle and your aunt do when you woke them up like that?"

"Erm-I don't really think-"

"You have to talk about it, Harry. You've seen what keeping everything inside have done to- some persons."

"I know. I know. It's just… I don't like to talk about them. It makes me feel even more different."

"I think I can safely say that I can relate to that, Harry." Severus leans back in his chair and steels himself. "Seeing as your Slytherin side is so fond of making deals, I'll be willing to make one with you. I will tell you about my dear father and you will explain exactly what that so-called family of yours did to you. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

Harry sighs and closes his eyes briefly. When the young man meets Severus' gaze again, the older man has to inhale sharply in front of the raw pain clouding Harry's eyes.

And then Harry speaks.

Of his early childhood, stuck in a cupboard and used to do the chores. Of being starved as a punishment, sometimes not eating for several days.

Of never being hugged, kissed or comforted. Of feeling like a burden, unwanted and unloved, and never understanding why.

Of being restlessly bullied by his cousin and his friends, by other family members as well, like an aunt who apparently liked to belittle Harry and his dead parents.

And finally, of his uncle. His uncle, who used to silence Harry with a gag after being woken up by one of his nightmares. Who used to hit him before throwing him in his cupboard before the boy went to Hogwarts. Who had once beaten him so hard that he had broken the boy's ribs – and Harry had resorted to ask Miss Granger to heal him aboard the Hogwarts Express, asking her to tell no one.

"Oh, Harry…"

"It's alright now."

"Is it?" Severus sighs, knowing he has to ask and wishing he hadn't to. "Harry, I have to ask you something that might be difficult for you. I'm not doing this to hurt you, you understand?"

Harry blinks and nods, confusion written all over his face.

"Did your uncle touch you in a sexual way? Did he abuse you sexually, Harry?"

"What?"

"I am sorry, Harry, but I have to know. Do you understand what I'm asking?"

"No! I mean, yes, I understand, but no, he didn't! Merlin, no!"

Harry is looking both shocked and embarrassed, but Severus can see he's telling the truth. He releases the breath he has been unconsciously holding.

"I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, Harry, but I had to ask."

"I know, I understand… but no, no."

They eat in silence for a little while, and Severus is conscious of the awkwardness caused by his last question and of the fact that he will soon have to talk about his own childhood – and truth to be told, he'd rather been submitted to the Cruciatus.

"You understand that they had no right to do those things to you, Harry? You should have been loved and cherished like every child should."

Harry wiggles uncomfortably on his chair and nods without looking at Severus.

"Harry?"

"Yes, I know."

"Good."

Severus makes a mental note to pay a visit to the Dursleys as soon as he'll be able to. The thought cheers him up and he smirks.

"Er… Severus? You're looking… kind of scary right now."

"Never mind that."

Harry munches distractedly on his toast and Severus wonders how to approach the dreaded theme.

"You don't have to, you know."

"Excuse me?"

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Severus raises an eyebrow.

"We made a deal."

"Yes, well, I won't be mad if you don't fulfill your part of it."

Harry's face is honest and open as always, and Severus feels the corners of his mouth rise up without his consent.

"I know you won't. But I should probably do it anyway."

"Did you tell someone before?"

"Albus knows. Not because I told him, though. He was the one to teach me Occlumency and Legilimency. He was bound to stumble over… less than enjoyable memories."

"Oh."

"My father… my father was a Muggle. And my mother was a witch. And he hated her for it. Hated me for having magic as well. He used to beat her repeatedly, and I wasn't strong enough to stop him. Every time I tried, not only he beat my mother harder, but then he hit me as well."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are, though you have no responsibility in my childhood."

"What happened to your mother?"

"She gave up. She just… gave up. She stopped eating, and she just… faded away." Severus sighs and looks at Harry.

"How old were you?"

"Fourteen."

"And then you had to stay with your father?"

"Yes. Three long years, until I was seventeen and could run away. To the wrong people and to my worst mistakes, but, yes, I ran away."

"Did he… did he keep on hitting you after your mother passed away?"

"Oh yes. She wasn't there anymore for him to… release his stress, so to speak. But I was, wasn't I? I learned to be very efficient with healing potions and balms."

Harry frowns and nods. He seems to be thinking about something, and finally, he asks.

"Did he… did he abuse you… you know…"

"Sexually?" Severus snorts. "As I said, my mother wasn't there anymore. I replaced her in more ways than one."

"Oh Merlin. Severus…"

And quite suddenly, Severus is engulfed in a hug, Harry's slim arms wrapped around his shoulders and the boy's chin lightly resting in the crook of his scarred neck.

"We're fucked up, aren't we?" Harry lets out a weird and choked laugh, that sounds a bit desperate and a bit crazy. "But we'll be alright, now, you'll see."

Severus almost retorts that there's no hope left for him, not now, not after everything that happened, but then he remembers it's not about him.

It's about Harry.

"Yes. You'll be alright, Harry. You'll be just fine, you'll see."

Harry draws back slightly and locks his green eyes with Severus'.

"No. We'll be alright. Both of us."

And he seems so hopeful, so convinced, that Severus doesn't have the heart to speak his mind.

He just nods quietly, and swears to himself that he'll make sure that Harry is alright.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks to all the readers who take the time to leave kudos and comments. It's always greatly appreciated, and wholly cherished.

Petunia Dursley looks even more like a horse than in his memories. She's looking at him with wide eyes, her mouth hanging open and her face deathly pale. Severus allows himself to smirk and the woman before him lets out a frightened gasp before trying to close the door in his face.

"Oh no you don't, Petunia. We wouldn't want your neighbors to witness anything... unpleasant, now would we? I thought so."

Severus slips inside and Petunia quickly closes the front door behind him.

"What are you doing here? He's not living with us anymore!"

"Oh, trust me, I know."

"Well, what do you want then? We told those people from the Ministry we didn't want to hear about your kind anymore."

"Where's your husband?"

"In the garden. He's-"

"A poor excuse for a human being, I know. Tell him to come."

"What-"

"Right now, Petunia" Severus interrupts in a very soft voice, and that seems to do the trick, because Harry's aunt stiffens and obediently calls for her husband. The biggest man Severus has ever seen enters the living-room, his face red and his hands shaking. Severus smirks and sits on one of the chair facing the couch.

"Sit down. Where's your son?"

"He's not here! And you shouldn't be either! And who are you to tell us what to do in our own home?"

"It's probably better for him to be elsewhere right now."

As much as Severus would have liked to make that little shit pay for what he'd done to Harry, he knew that the dark haired's cousin was really only just a teenager, and that the persons truly responsible for both his behavior and Harry's horrid childhood are in front of him. They were the adults. They should have raised their son properly and cared for their nephew.

Plus Harry wouldn't have wanted Dudley to be hurt, Severus supposes. The boy is far too kind and forgiving for his own good anyway.

"I suppose you can guess why I'm here, even with your limited brain capacity. No? Really? How disappointing." Severus sighs dramatically and lets his wand slide off his sleeve. "Well, you see, it has come to my knowledge that you have been taking less than good care of your nephew."

"Whatever that boy has told you, it's-"

"Will you be quiet? The boy, as you called him, is the Saviour of our world as well as yours, you disgusting pig. And even if he weren't, you had no right to abuse an innocent child that had been put in your care for its protection! What sort of people throws a kid in a cupboard? Starve him? Use him to do the chores? Deprive him of the affection and tenderness all children deserve?"

Severus has not raised his voice, and the two pitiful Muggles in front of him are huddled together on their pristine couch, their eyes wide and terrified.

The sight is highly satisfying, and it allows Severus to keep his anger at bay.

"I don't believe your wife has told you about me, Dursley. Quite a shame, really."

"He's a criminal" Petunia whispers with a mixture of hate and fear.

"That I am. I knew Harry's parents. As much as I despised James Potter, I believe he would have destroyed you for what you've done to his son. He died to protect him, after all. And Lily..."

Severus takes a deep breath and locks his gaze with Petunia's.

"Lily was your sister. How could you betray her like that? How could you?"

"You have no right to say those things to me! I know you took a bad path, I know Lily wouldn't even talk to you afterwards! You're a murderer!"

"That is true. And while I might have been less than fair to Harry as a professor, I would never have hurt him like you did. Even I could not hurt an innocent child that way. I think it tells more about you than it does about me, really."

Severus shifts on the chair, trying to get more comfortable. His neck is aching and his back feels stiff and sore. Harry will have his head when he'll realize Severus has gone outside – and Apparated – without supervision. Though the teenager might be even more upset if he knew why exactly Severus has done it. Hopefully he'll be back in his quarters before Harry comes back from the Weasleys and won't have to explain anything at all.

"Anyway, I'm really thinking about hexing you two into oblivion, but Harry wouldn't like that." Truth to be told Harry wouldn't like any of what Severus is doing, but hexing his relatives would be worse. "It's a pity, since I'd really want to try some Curses I've heard about during the war... Never mind. But here's what you will do."

"You haven't any right-"

"I believe I said be quiet, Dursley. You will sell this house and the pretty little car I've seen out there. I allow you to purchase an apartment with two bedrooms, but the rest of the money will go to the orphanage of your choice. I'm not picky. You will save one quarter of your salary, Dursley, and give it to the chosen orphanage each year for Christmas without fail. You will never contact Harry and never let him know about our little deal."

The fat man snorts and Severus raises an eyebrow, feeling faintly amused.

"How will you make us do those things? You can't force us to-"

"Oh, but I can. You will sign this contract. If you don't fulfill your duties the way the contract specifies it, I will know immediately. And trust me, you won't like to see me again one bit. If you're a good boy and do as requested, you'll never hear about me again. To be honest, I think I am particularly generous with the two of you, considering what you are guilty of." Severus frowns. "Perhaps Harry has a bad influence on me after all. Anyway, here we are. Sign here with this quill. Both of you."

Severus has carefully unrolled the parchment previously hidden in the inside pocket of his cloak and sets it on the coffee table. The provided quill is Charmed and their signatures will bind the two Muggles to the contract.

"I haven't all day, you know."

Petunia finally unfreezes and takes the quill with trembling fingers, signing under Vernon Dursley's incredulous gaze.

"Petunia!"

"Do as he asks, Vernon."

"What?"

"You heard me. Do it!" she whispers urgently, and her tone must convince him, because the fat man moves forward on the couch.

Vernon reluctantly wraps his chubby fingers around Severus' quill, sparing a glance that is half-frightened and half-venomous to the tall wizard in front of him.

"Very well. I think we are done here. I will not say that it has been a pleasure, for it certainly has not been. Oh! And do not even try to disappear. I will find you, wherever you may go." Severus is bluffing, but they don't need to know that. He smirks. "And when I do, I will definitely hurt you. So you see, it is in your best interest to just respect our deal. I am sure it displeases you to see me as much as I hate to see your pathetic faces."

With that, Severus storms out and Apparates away, feeling utterly content and at peace despite the throbbing pain in his neck.

He's definitely feeling more like his old self. He must remember to tell Poppy about the improvement in his health.

HP-HP-HP-HP

Of course Harry knows right away that Severus has been up to no good.

"Why are you smiling like that?"

Harry is frowning suspiciously and carefully studying Severus' face.

"I am not."

"You definitely are. It's a bit creepy, to be honest. What have you done?"

"Nothing to concern yourself with. I have only solved a matter that should have been dealt with years ago."

Harry's frown deepens and he opens his mouth just to close it as quickly. Finally he shakes his head with a half-smile.

"I don't want to know, do I?"

"Probably not."

"Alright. I won't ask then."

Severus feels like smiling again and fights the urge the best he can.

"Wait a minute. Did you go outside on your own?"

"Well..." Severus winces. "I was careful."

"I can't believe you! What if you had collapsed somewhere? What if you had been too tired to come back? Did you Apparate on your own?"

"Will you stop impersonating Poppy if I say no?"

"You're unbelievable!"

Severus rolls his eyes. He doesn't feel guilty. Not at all. He's a grown man, for fuck's sake! A powerful wizard, at that. He can bloody well do as he wants, can't he?

"I'm Flooing Poppy, she needs to check on your scars."

Severus stops breathing.

"What will you tell her?"

Harry turns around on his way to the fireplace, a small smile on his lips.

"Well, that, my dear Severus, depends on you. If you promise to never do something like that until you're fully healed, I won't say anything."

"You've been around Draco for too long."

"He definitely has helped me to deal properly with reporters. And with stubborn wizards who think they can do as they please."

"I should never have asked him to give you some advices. I should have known he would have a bad influence on you."

"Yes, yes. So?"

"So what?"

"Do you promise?"

Severus snorts. Does he have a choice? He will never hear the end of it if Poppy learns what he has been up to today.

"Yes."

"Say it."

"I promise I won't go outside on my own until I am fully healed. Happy now?"

"Very."

The infuriating boy grins and goes to the fireplace, kneeling to Firecall Poppy.

Severus will definitely find a way to make Harry pay for this.


	12. Chapter 12

Of course it shouldn't bother him that much. It does, somehow. And Severus wonders if Harry knows it, and it keeps him awake at night as he's listening to the boy's quiet breathing in the darkness. Yet he knows that it'll be for the best, and he's aware that he should breach the subject with Harry soon.

His selfishness gets in the way, and every morning the teen's happy grin makes him wait some more – and why Harry smiles at his former professor's grumpy face first thing in the morning remains a mystery, that's for sure.

But one morning after breakfast, Severus just has to ask. He has already told Minerva the day before that she will have to move her things in Dumbledore's former office before September for she is the new Headmistress, and he will begin to organize his new life soon. Not that he has actually any idea of what the hell he's going to do or even where he's going to live, but that is beside the point. It's time for Harry to think about his future.

"You know that you'll have to leave England, don't you?"

Harry freezes on the spot and looks up with wide shocked eyes. Severus sighs. So much for being careful and subtle in his approach. Why in the name of the Founders is it so difficult?

"What?"

"Harry..." Severus makes his way to his uncomfortable couch and sits down. "Come here."

The dark haired teen does, still looking shaken and unsure.

"I apologize. This is not how I had planned to discuss this matter with you."

"You want me to leave?"

"No, it's not-Harry. This is not about me."

"I don't understand."

"What do you want to do, Harry? Do you want to study? Take a gap year, maybe?"

"I... I don't know. Everyone expects me to become an Auror but I... I'm not sure. I think... I think I'd like to do something else than fight, for a change."

"That is understandable." Severus nods thoughtfully. "And where are you going to live?"

"I don't know" Harry whispers, his eyes wide and desperate. Severus feels a weird tug at his heart and clears his throat.

"Harry, relax. There is time still, I am not sending you away. But I want you to think about it. I am convinced that you should leave England for a while. Find somewhere where you're just another young man, and live a little. It'll be... difficult to do so here."

Harry shifts on the couch, his fists tightly clenched at his sides.

"I know it is unfair. You should be able to go on with your life like anyone else. You've earned that right more than anyone else, for that matter. But we both know that it's not the way things are. So I want you to think about it, and to let me know about your decision. I will help you as much as I can, as will Minerva."

"I can't be alone." There is an edge in Harry's voice, something dark and full of fear, something that Severus hates instantly. "Severus, I can't."

"Take a friend with you. I am sure that Miss Granger-"

"No. No, I can't ask that of her. I know she would come, but... she's just got her parents back, and she's with Ron now and I can't ruin that for her. She's so excited about studying Law and I just- I can't."

"We'll find a solution, Harry. For now, try to focus on what it is you would like to do, and perhaps where you could see yourself living for a few years."

The perspective seems to be too much for Harry. Severus awkwardly wraps an arm around the slim shoulders of his former student. To his surprise, Harry leans into him instantly, hiding his face against Severus' shoulder for a moment.

"Where will you go? I overheard you talking to Minerva, I know you'll be gone in September."

"I-well, I am unsure. But it is nothing to concern yourself with."

Harry raises his head, a frown on his face. Severus almost has a heart attack for finding it fucking _cute_. Damnit. Cute shouldn't even be part of his vocabulary. It sure as hell hasn't been for the past 38 years.

"Well, you're concerning yourself with my future, I don't see why I couldn't do the same about yours. We're friends, aren't we?"

Right. Friends.

"I suppose we are."

"Then it's only natural that I want to know what'll happen to you." Harry smiles brightly and Severus shakes his head, feeling the corners of his mouth lift without his consent. "So I promise to think about what I'll do, and you'll do the same. Deal?"

"You're becoming awfully fond of making deals, Mr. Potter. I am beginning to regret your days of pure Gryffindor behavior."

"What can I say? It must be your influence." The teen has the cheek to chuckle, and Severus is suddenly deeply aware of the warm body resting against his own. "So, deal?"

"As if I had a choice."

As if he had, indeed.

 _You're not really complaining_ , Albus' voice whispers in his mind. Severus scowls.

HP-HP-HP-HP

"What did you want to talk about?"

Draco is changed. In a good way, Severus muses. He's looking older, the anger and restlessness of his teenage years suddenly gone. He has cut his hair short, in a way that is probably fashionable nowadays – not that Severus would know anything about that. Draco's grey eyes are looking at his godfather quietly, and Severus smiles.

"Are you assigned to residence?"

"What?"

"You told me you were on probation for two years. I want to know the specifics."

Draco raises an eyebrow – Salazar, but Severus has done a fairly good job with him – but answers nonetheless.

"No contact with former Death Eaters – Harry asked Kingsley for a favor, which is why I'm allowed to visit you. I'm not allowed to start my own business or to take over my father's company – not that I would want to anyway. The Ministry has to approve any job I might take, and, well, basically anything that I want to do. Why do you ask?"

"I told Harry that he would have to leave the country, at least for a while."

"Alright... and this concerns me because...?"

"Because he doesn't want to leave alone." Draco flushes and opens his mouth but Severus raises a hand to stop him. "Wait, wait. I think it would be a good idea for you as well. Think about it. This is your chance to study what you want without interference. You both need to start over somewhere where you are not famous – or infamous. You get along quite well, from what I saw lately, and you'd be able to take care of each other. You both need this, and you need the companionship."

Draco seems thunderstruck, his eyes wide with surprise and his mouth gaping in a way that is very unlike him.

"I... I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything just yet. Think about it, Draco." Severus sighs and decides to play another card. He is a Slytherin, after all. "I want the best for you, and you know as well as I do that you will not get it here. Not now, at any rate. I would be relieved to know you are getting a fair chance somewhere else. I'm worried about you."

Draco's eyes narrow suspiciously and Severus struggles to keep his expression suitably concerned. He's probably taught that boy too well.

Although to be honest, he is worried about Draco. Not for his safety, because Salazar knows he knows how to hold his own, not to mention Narcissa's terrifying protectiveness of her only son, but for his future. Even without the probation, it would be hard – if not impossible – for his godson to find an apprenticeship or to be accepted into any British magical university, and even harder to get a job.

"I don't believe your little act one bit. Though your idea is not so ridiculous after all."

Severus raises one eyebrow in his patented 'just-who-do-you-think-you're-talking-to" way and Draco chuckles quietly.

"And I kind of like Harry. He's not so bad, once you get used to his stupid Gryffindorish tendencies, of course. It wouldn't be too much of a hardship to spend some time with him, I guess." Draco frowns and seems to think about something before his face clears and his usual smirk falls back into place. "Alright, I'll do it. Convince your little Gryffindor hero to leave and to give a word to our Minister for me, and I'll keep an eye on him for you."

"What? It's not-"

"Yes, yes, you keep telling yourself that. Oh, and if Harry could pick a place with a correct magical university, that'd be a plus. It would be a shame to let a brain like mine rot from lack of proper stimulation."

Severus rolls his eyes at his godson's retreating back, and feels oddly like something has not quite gone like he had planned it to.


	13. Chapter 13

"New York."

"I beg your pardon?"

"New York. I'm going to New York. Hermione says their College for Magic is very good. And I've got enough money left from my parents to live on my own there. So, I'm going to New York."

Severus swallows the suddenly gigantic lump blocking his air supply.

"Good choice" he blurts out, and why in the hell is he feeling so out of sorts? "You may want to tell Draco of your choice."

"Why?"

"Because he's expressed a certain interest in going with you, and I think that it is a good idea."

"He... Really? That'd be great to have a friend with me. Even a presumptuous prat like Draco, I mean."

Harry grins smugly, but Severus can tell from the emotion in his eyes that he's glad to have someone with whom to share this new life.

"Then it's settled. What will you study, if I may ask?"

"I'm not sure yet, but... I'd like to be a Mediwizard, or a Healer. Since I've not taken my NEWTs, I'll first follow a one-year program for students who haven't graduated."

"I see that you have thought this through. I'm sure you'll do great, Harry."

"And you? Have you thought about what you would do?"

"It is of no matter and-"

"No! None of that, Severus. You promised to think about it as well. I'm worried about you, and can't go if I'm not sure you'll be alright."

Severus raises an eyebrow, but Harry keeps on looking at him with concerned green eyes, and the older man knows that his worry is genuine. Severus sighs and shakes his head. Harry shifts on the couch next to him, sitting sideways with his knees under him to face Severus.

"I am still... unsure. I will probably live in Spinner's End for a while."

"Spinner's End?" Harry frowns deeply. "You hate the place."

"It is the home of my family nonetheless. It is the only home I have left. It is only temporary anyway, I hope to sell it quickly enough and to buy a small cottage, probably not too far away from Hogwarts. Poppy has asked me if I would be willing to keep on brewing the potions for the Hospital Wing, and I agreed." It will allow Severus to earn some much needed Galleons while keeping him somewhat busy. All in all, not a bad deal. "Go and Firecall Draco, Harry. He'll be delighted to hear about the news – he's been somewhat worried about your choice of location."

"Severus... You could come with us, you know. I mean, if you wanted to."

"I do not need your pity."

Severus knows he's sneering, he knows he's just snapped rather viciously at Harry, and he knows it's not fair.

"It's not pity." Harry shrugs and briefly squeezes Severus' hand, his skin terribly warm against the older man's chilled fingers. "You're my friend, aren't you? I'm just offering you... an alternative."

"It is not necessary. I shall be perfectly fine and I-"

"Oh, please. Give me a little credit." Harry rolls his eyes and shifts closer to Severus. "You're not fine. And there's no way you'll be fine with what you're planning to do with your life."

"Harry... There's no new beginning for me. I am glad to be alive, and to have so more time with my godson, and I'll try to atone for my sins in any way I can but... That's it."

"That's not true" Harry whispers gently. His eyes are full of a kind of warmth that makes Severus' chest ache longingly. "That's not true. You're given a second chance. We've both been granted a second chance at life. Don't you dare throw it away, Severus."

"I hardly see how that is any of your business."

"It's my business because I care about you, you stupid prat!" Harry is suddenly standing, his stubble-covered cheeks flushed with anger and his breathing ragged. Despite the flare of familiar rage inside of him, Severus can't help but thinking how utterly beautiful Harry is like this. And Merlin, but it is such a dangerous thought. "How can I just go away and live my life if I know the people I care about aren't well? If I know they are unhappy? Alone? How, Severus?"

"You remind me so much of Lily when you're like that. She would be so proud of you."

That has at least the desired effect, if the way Harry's mouth shuts with an audible click.

"Harry, I know you worry about me, and, as much as it surprises me, I appreciate your concern. But it is unnecessary. I assure you that I will be, if not happy, perfectly content with my life. It is more than I had hoped for and probably more than I deserve. Now that my worries about my godson's and your own well-beings are appeased, there is nothing more that troubles me."

It's true, as astonishing as it is. Harry and Draco will be safe and happy, they will get the education they both need and deserve, and Severus is strangely at peace with his own future. Well, he will be as soon as he'll be rid of the nightmare that is Spinner's End and thus have the means to buy his own home.

"I just... I feel guilty."

"Why would feel guilty now?"

"Because... I feel like I'm leaving you behind. I don't like it."

"Harry... Come here."

The teen does as he's told, and there's a deep sadness on his young face. Severus can't resist brushing the back of his fingers against Harry's cheek, and he smiles as the teen sighs and closes his eyes.

"You have to stop feeling responsible for others. You are going to New York with Draco. You will study and have fun and do things I don't even want to think about. Be safe and happy, and, well, perhaps keep an eye on Draco. That's all you have to focus on from now on."

"Will we keep in touch? Can I... I mean may I write to you?"

Severus is a little taken aback by the request, but he nods.

"Of course, if you wish to."

"Will you write back?" the boy whispers, and Severus sighs.

"Of course I will, Harry." Severus clears his throat and straightens his robes. "I should probably keep a close eye on your studies anyway, who knows what those Americans will teach you."

Harry bursts out laughing and just like that, the embarrassingly emotional moment is lost.

Which is for the best, really.

Severus wishes Albus' voice in his head would _just shut the hell up_ now.

HP-HP-HP-HP

The next two weeks are filled with visits from friends wanting to say goodbye and various arrangements for his departure, so that Harry actually spends very little time with Severus. And Draco can snigger and roll his eyes as much as he wants, but it is for the best.

Because Severus has seldom felt so disgusting before, and with his past, this is saying something.

Because Harry doesn't need to be burdened with the inapropriate... well, infatuation of his former teacher – it would only make him feel awkward and uneasy, at best, and Severus doesn't want his last days in England to be that way. He doesn't want to sully their beautiful and unexpected friendship with unrequited and perverted feels and desires.

Because there's no hope in those ridiculous feelings, there's only pain and heartbreak, and the less Severus sees Harry, the better.

Because the ghost of his father is mocking him, cackling with glee somewhere in the back of Severus' mind and whispering how much of a freak he is. How much of a monster, just like his father.

Honestly, of all the stupid things to do, falling for Harry Potter is the worst Severus could imagine.

And in spite of Albus' soothing voice telling him that there is nothing wrong with love, that Harry is a young adult and not a child, that he would not laugh, for the very first time since he woke up after Nagini's bite, Severus whishes he had died.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Harry's POV! Enjoy and please comment?

**Harry's POV**

Harry cannot believe he is really leaving. He's staring at his trunk without seeing it, and he can hear Draco urgently whispering something to Severus, who seems both annoyed and ill-at-ease.

Harry has said his goodbyes to Hermione and the Weasleys the night before at the Burrow, and he's glad for it now, because there's no way he'd be able to leave with a whole family of teary-eyed redheads and Hermione's sad and guilty expression – for no matter how many times Harry has told her he needed to leave for himself, she's still feeling like they've abandoned him, like they weren't there for him. He only hopes she'll understand, with time.

Draco lets out a frustrated huff and shakes his head before going to his Mother, who's standing in front of the fireplace, her back stiff and her face devoid of expression. Her hands give her away, though. They're clasped so tightly together that her fingers are white. Even knowing that it is in her son's best interests to leave the country, it must be hard for her, especially after everything that has happened during the last months. Draco is now holding her with a gentleness and a tenderness that Harry wouldn't have thought him capable of, just a few weeks ago. Harry turns away, unwilling to intrude on such an intimate moment – or to think about his own lack of family. The ache is familiar and expected, but it always hurts a little anyway.

Severus is still silent, his face carefully blank and his black eyes fixed on something above Harry's head.

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"I-I just wanted to thank you. For, you know. Everything." _For giving me hope and a safe haven after the final battle. For looking after me, and be there whenever I had a nightmare. For letting me heal and then for giving me the right push and help me move on with my life. For giving me the strength to leave and the will to go on_. "I know I kind of... invaded your quarters and I'm really grateful for it."

"I believe you helped me more than I helped you. As I remember, I was the one to be weak and injured. I should be thanking you, and not the other way around."

Harry chuckles and is glad to see the corners of Severus' mouth twitch with amusement.

"Well, let's just say we helped each other then. Anyway, thank you. And I'll write to you. And you'll have to-"

"Slow down, Harry. We've already talked about this. I shall be perfectly fine, and yes, we will exchange letters, as ridiculous as the thought is."

"Sorry, I'm just-" _worried about you. I'm always worried about you, and soon I won't be able to make sure you're alright._ "It's a big day, I suppose."

"Yes. Are you upset to leave?"

"Yes. And no. It's a bit confusing."

"Understandable." Severus' eyes soften and he places two long-fingered hands on Harry's shoulders, making the dark-haired instantly feel better – grounded, somehow. "It is perfectly normal to feel... how shall I put it... conflicted, when confronted to such a great change in one's life. You are excited to discover a new country, to meet new people, to start a new life. And at the same time you are quite legitimately upset to leave your friends and previous life behind."

"Yeah, I suppose so."

The hands on his shoulders tighten their hold for barely a second before they're gone, and Harry mourns their loss.

And suddenly he gets it, and Merlin, but it is both sobering and freeing.

A thousand memories pass through his mind, leaving him almost shuddering from their intensity – and from the obvious conclusion. Nightmares and late meals. Potions and affectionate touches. Confessions and whispered words of reassurance. A scent made of books and potion fumes and something else, warm and spicy. Silky black hair and the overwhelming feeling of being home, at long last.

There's only a brief pang in Harry's heart, made of self-depreciation and doubt, before the fighter in him takes over. If this is a battle – and it is, in more way than one – then he needs to be prepared. He needs weapons and training and confidence.

He needs New York and Draco, he needs to have a qualification and more than everything, he needs to become a man. An equal.

He smiles, raising his head to look into Severus' dark eyes. There's some kind of deep emotion there that Harry can't read, but it doesn't matter right now anyway. The time will come.

"Goodbye, Severus" he whispers, and before the older man can react, he brushes his lips on the corner of Severus' mouth, in a kiss so light that it is nothing more but a promise.

Harry turns around and steps into the Floo without looking back, knowing that Draco will follow and join him at the Ministry to take their Portkey to New York. Yes, the time will come.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're back in Severus' POV... and we jump ahead a few years. Enjoy!

**\- Almost four years later -**

Three years, eight months, and sixteen days.

Not that he's counted, of course.

Or perhaps he has.

The stack of letters in front of him seem to mock him, to taunt him with the truth.

Three years, eight months, and sixteen days. And he has counted. Every single day since they left. It's not that he hasn't been busy on his own – his days have been filled alright, between brewing for Hogwart's hospital wing, selling the nightmare that is Spinner's End, buying a new cottage and making it somewhat homey. But still, it feels like all those years, he's been doing nothing but _wait_. And maybe he hasn't really done anything else, as disgusting as the mere thought is.

He has waited for Harry and Draco to come back. Well, if he's honest with himself, he has waited for _Harry_ to come back. Because he has seen Draco several times during those almost four years, but Harry has never come to visit him.

The brat has made good on his promise to write, of course. He has written every week without a fail, like the good Gryffindor he is. Babbling what mostly was nonsense through pages and pages of barely decipherable chicken scratch and somehow managing to make Severus read the letters all the same. Several times. But he has never asked to see Severus on his numerous visits to his friends and family in England, and Severus has tried to remain detached about it.

He has failed, mostly, especially when his annoying godson was there to remind him of the fact. Draco has kept an eye on Harry, as he said he would. That is, as much as a young man in love would look out for his roommate while courting a young and pretty witch. His degree in Magical Law will allow him to find a good job in the United States and to marry this Kelly or Kylie or whatever her name is soon enough – Draco hasn't planned to come back to England definitely, much to Narcissa's chagrin.

But Harry is coming back. Hoping to find a job in St Mungo's with his degree as a Healer.

And Severus is trying not to look at the clock, because he knows that in seventeen minutes, Harry will arrive to the Ministry via Portkey, and he knows that the whole Weasley family will be there – the new Mrs. Hermione Weasley included – as well as Andromeda and her grandson Teddy. And he won't.

Not that he doesn't want to. But Harry hasn't asked him to be there. He hasn't even told him when he would come back – Draco's done it.

Just like Draco has taken to tell Severus of Harry's love life over the past years, probably knowing that Harry wouldn't write about such a private matter in his letters to Severus. The older man isn't sure whether he wanted to know or not, but Draco hasn't left him a choice. There's a part of Severus that is glad that Harry has found the confidence he so desperately needed and that he has had the opportunity to behave like a normal youth for a change. And then there's the rest of him, that is cursing in rage and howling in pain at the thought of Harry with those... boys.

Because, of course, as luck would have it, Harry's apparently discovered that he's more interested in men than in women, and if that it's not some Fate's twisted joke to torture Severus, then he doesn't know what it is. Severus has been both dreading and hoping that Harry would find someone, some good and caring man that would be worthy of him, but it has never happened. According to Draco, the Savior seems happy enough to enjoy brief relationships that are barely more than one-night stands, and no one has been able to catch his attention for too long.

The fact puzzles Severus as much as it upsets him. Harry deserves so much more, he deserves to find the love of his life, as stupidly romantic as the thought is, and the former professor hopes that the young man will.

Fourteen minutes.

Fuck. He's looking at the clock once more. The potion currently boiling in the huge cauldron needs to be stirred, and Severus tries to focus on the task instead of... well, daydreaming about a young man twenty years his junior. What is he, a silly Hufflepuff schoolgirl?

Severus sighs and closes his eyes, trying to remember how many times he has stirred the potion.

He might as well be a silly schoolgirl with a crush, for the amount of time he's spent thinking of Harry since the teenager has left. Dreaming of him at nights, too, and waking up with a beating heart and tears in his eyes.

Twelve minutes.

And here he goes again. What's wrong with him? Why is he even doing this to himself? As if he hasn't suffered enough. Doesn't he deserve some peace? Not bloody likely, apparently. Harry doesn't even want to see him, for fuck's sake! He's probably only written to Severus out of his sense of duty. And Severus wouldn't want to burden such a good young man with his scarred and tainted self anyway. It's just that it hurts no matter how many times Severus tells himself that it's for the best, and the pain of it doesn't seem to lessen with time. Then again, Severus has never done anything by half.

Nine minutes.

Severus gives up on not checking the time. The potion is ready, and he quickly bottles it in single-dose phials – it has to be done before it cools down. He carefully puts the phials in the box he's prepared for that purpose earlier and seals the lid with a sticking Spell. He cleans the cauldron and carefully cleans his hands, first with a strong Scourgify, and then the Muggle way, with soap and water, to make sure none of the ingredients he has used remains on his skin.

Four minutes.

He has brought the box from the basement and settles it on the kitchen table – an house-elf from Hogwarts will come and fetch it tomorrow morning. He decides to make tea to soothe his nerves and fills up the kettle, only to give up as he spots an old bottle of Firewhiskey in one of the cupboard.

One minute.

He collapses in his favorite chair, the glass in his hand already almost empty and the taste of alcohol on his tongue somehow bitterly fitting. The grey stray cat that has been there since he's bought the house jumps on his lap and makes itself comfortable. Severus suddenly realizes that he's never bothered to give it a name, or even to look if it's a male or a female. He scratches the feline behind the ears and fails to feel any comfort in the loud purr echoing in the room.

It's time.

Severus' next heartbeat is painful and he winces against his will. _You know you will have to see him sooner or later_ , Albus' annoying voice cheerfully says in his mind.

He needs another drink.


	16. Chapter 16

Severus has been _so_ not prepared to see Harry again.

He has trouble believing this man in front of him is actually Harry, to be honest.

"Severus?"

Nearly four years make one hell of a difference. Harry isn't much taller, but he has definitely filled out, the once too lean body of a teenage boy who'd been underfed now toned and obviously healthy. The Muggle long sleeved shirt he's wearing doesn't hide the strong shoulders and broad chest – broader than it should have been given the young man's height. It suits him, though. It seems like the strength Harry has in the inside is finally showing on the outside. His face is strangely the same – but Severus can see the subtle changes adulthood have brought, the way Harry's jaw seems more pronounced, his cheeks less full, his hands stronger.

"Severus?"

Merlin, even his voice is different. Deeper and, at the same time, somehow softer. Harry is holding himself in a good way, neither stiff or slouched, with a quiet confidence that suits him. His eyes are still as green as ever behind his glasses – not the black monstrosities of his Hogwarts years, but a lighter silver spectacles frame that doesn't hide the beautiful irises behind. His untamable hair has been styled in a messy haircut that seems deliberate instead of scruffy, and for a second Severus wonders if Harry is still looking the same when he's just waking up as he did when he lived with him.

"Good morning, Harry" Severus whispers, and Harry smiles.

Severus is so utterly, so completely lost. It would be ironic if it wasn't so painful.

"Good morning, Severus. I've missed you."

Severus swallows back a dozen of scathing answers – because really, whose fault is it if they haven't seen each other in nearly four fucking years? – and just nods, because he knows he has no right to ask for anything. Even not answers. He remembers his manners and gestures for Harry to come in, opening his front door wider to let the young man enter his home.

"It's nice. Draco's told me about it, of course, but it's something else to see it."

Severus hums noncommittally and serves them both tea, handing Harry a cup without thinking about it.

"You remember" Harry murmurs quietly, an hint of awe in his tone.

"I beg your pardon?"

"How I like my tea. You remember."

Fuck.

"Some of us have actually a brain instead of mashed potatoes in there, Harry" Severus answers without looking up, and hoping he's not blushing.

"How is the potions business doing?"

"Well enough. Hogwarts is still my principal customer, but I get requests for particular brews or rare potions on the side. And of course, I'm finally rid of brainless teenagers."

Harry chuckles and sips on his cup of tea, apparently completely at ease in Severus' living room, sitting with his legs crossed on Severus' favorite armchair like he owns it.

"Yeah, that'd be a plus."

"What will you do now that you are back? Did you contact St Mungo's to apply for a job there?"

"Yes, I did yesterday. They're a bit surprised of course, but they told me they would think about it. Actually I suppose "thiking about it" rather means "contacting the Ministry to see if we are even allowed to hire the Boy-Who-Lived", but I expected it."

"Mmh."

"I'm only interested in working with children anyway."

"St Mungo's has a good child ward."

"I know."

"I think you would do great with children."

"I hope so. I already contacted Minerva. Whether I'm hired or not, I want her to organize a medical examination of each student every year."

Severus blinks.

"I want to make sure every student is healthy, physically and mentally. It's our duty, our responsibility to care for children."

"You want to make sure no student is abused or mistreated" Severus states bluntly, and Harry nods a bit stiffly.

"Yes. And it can't hurt to check on growing children's health at least once a year. If something's wrong, the sooner we know, the better we can treat it."

"It's a good idea, Harry." Severus says softly, and he's almost sure the young man can bloody hear the fondness in his voice.

"I'm back at the Burrow, but I won't stay long there. I love the Weasleys but it's too hard living with them after being on my own for so long. It's a bit… overwhelming."

"I can imagine. Have you already been searching for a new home? Or maybe you are waiting to know where you will be working?"

"I've been spending time at Grimmauld Place. Before I left I would never have spent time there, you know, too many memories and all, but now… I kind of like it. It's got potential, and truly, it'd be shameful to let a house like that go to waste. I've begun working on it."

Severus can't help but sneer. Merlin knows he hates that place.

"Don't make that face, Severus. I know it was horrible back then, but believe me, it could be great! It's already way better than it was. It couldn't be worse, of course. I mean, even without Sirius' mother on the hall wall, the place was horrible."

Harry chuckles, and Merlin, but Severus doesn't even try to hide the upturning of his lips. It's too good to hear him laugh like that.

"Merlin, you wouldn't believe the things I discovered in the upstairs' bedrooms."

Severus immediately tenses.

"Harry, you should be careful with that, you have no idea what could be in those rooms or what dark objects could be-"

"I know! Trust me, I know. I'm very careful. Actually, this is one of the reasons I've come today. I need someone with a knowledge of the Dark Arts that goes well beyond my own to check the house."

The Potions Master feels his chest hurt with the force of his disappointment. He should have known, really, but it still stings.

"Ah. And why do you think I would agree to help you, pray tell?"

"Well…"

For the first time since he's been there, Harry is looking a bit uncomfortable. He shifts on his chair and his cheeks are faintly tinged with pink. Severus curses his own weakness and sighs.

"Alright, brat. I'll send you an owl when I've got some time to waste."

"Thank you! I wouldn't trust anyone else with that you know!"

The idiot is beaming at Severus, eyes wide with joy and an honest to God smile on his lips.

"Yes, well, I'll figure out what to ask as a payment later."

Harry's face suddenly morphs, green eyes instantly gleaming with something that makes Severus shiver against his will, and when the younger man answers, his voice sounds almost hoarse.

"I'm sure you'll think of something, Severus. Your price will be mine."

Salazar. Almost twenty years as a double agent don't prevent Severus from gaping for the tiniest moment. He wonders if James Potter is laughing at him from wherever the bastard is now, because his son will certainly be the death of Severus, that's for sure.


	17. Chapter 17

Severus has to hand it to Harry: he has done a fantastic job in Grimmauld Place. For a moment, Severus isn't even sure he's in the right house – which is ridiculous since he knows perfectly well it is. The gloomy and dark hallway has disappeared, and Harry has apparently taken down almost all the walls of the first floor. There is now a huge open space with white walls that enhances the old dark wooden floor – it's been cleaned and polished, but Severus is sure that it's the same. The tall windows aren't obscured by heavy curtains anymore, and daylight is flooding through the clean glass.

Severus is speechless.

"Well, you should close your mouth, Severus, I wouldn't want you to stay like that."

And Harry is here.

Casually leaning against a wall, with his paint-stained jeans and frayed tee-shirt, barefoot and more disheveled than usual, if such a thing is even possible.

He's never been more handsome, and Severus' heart constricts painfully at the sight. He must really have a martyr complex, to offer his help to this young man when he didn't have to. To willingly submit himself to such a torment.

"I take it you like what I've done with the place?"

"Well… It could do with some furniture, but it is obviously better that it was. Not that you could have done worse, of course."

"Thank you… I think."

Severus smirks at Harry's obvious uncertainty and feels some of his usual confidence come back.

"Right. Well, er, I thought you could take a look at the attic? I haven't gone up there yet and I'm fairly sure I can hear voices at night, so, well…"

"Lead the way."

Harry flashes him a grin and disappears in the stairs, and Severus sighs inwardly. He's so utterly and completely _fucked_. And not in an enjoyable way.

As it is, the attic isn't even that interesting. Apart from a few vindictive and foul-mouthed portraits of Black ancestors – which explains why Harry has been hearing voices, and it is slightly reassuring to know that it wasn't in the young man's head, and no, Severus doesn't want to think about Albus' maddening voice in his own head, thank you very much – there is nothing more dangerous than spiders and doxies. And the rooms of the third floor are dusty and creepy, but any dark object has apparently already been removed by the Order during the war.

The brat shows Severus what he's done with the rooms of the second floor, and the Potions Master reluctantly has to admit that Harry has some abilities with decorating. The three bedrooms are painted in soft earth colors, and the huge bathroom has now beautiful white and deep blue tiles. Severus hums and nods while Harry speaks and gestures wildly with his hands, explaining what he's done and what he planning to do with enthusiasm.

"Oh! I forgot to tell you about it, but you're staying for dinner."

"Am I?"

"Yes. Absolutely. Consider it a thank you gift for checking the attic with me."

"I'm not sure if it is actually a gift if you did cook the meal."

"I did. And don't be such a grumpy git, I'll have you know I'm a decent cook."

Severus raises an eyebrow.

"Are you now?"

"Well, Draco never complained, and you know how he is."

"Fair enough." Severus sighs dramatically and gestures for Harry to precede him. "Alright then, let's see if your cooking skills are any better than your brewing skills."

The young man chuckles and before Severus knows it, he's sitting with a glass of wine in his hand and a plate of delicious looking – and smelling – Alfredo pasta in front of him. There's a side dish of salad that looks crisp and fresh, and Severus' mouth waters almost against his will.

It's delicious, and Harry grins happily at his obvious astonishment.

And then they talk, about Harry's studies and his future carreer, about politics and potions and Weasleys and Draco's soon-to-be wife, and Severus realizes he's been wrong.

He has only thought he has been in love with the broken and strong boy who left almost four years ago.

Because this man in front of him, this young man full of passion and hopes and so goddamn beautiful inside and outside, this man is crushing the hopeless infatuation that Severus has been nursing like a wound all those years, only to replace it with the kind of love that you usually only dream about.

And Severus wants to flee so badly, and he wants to stay there forever, drinking wine and basking in the aura of the man before him, and he wants to die to escape his cruel, cruel fate.

He must have been lost in his depressing thoughts for a while, because Harry is suddenly calling his name softly, a worried frown on his handsome face.

"Severus? Are you alright? Did I say something?"

"No, no."

"I've missed you, you know."

There's a strange sadness in Harry's eyes, and once more, Severus refrains to ask just why the young man hasn't visited him if he has indeed missed his sour former Professor as he says he has.

"At first, it was terrible. To be in an unknown place, without my friends, without you… I think I wouldn't have last a week without Draco." Harry smiles fondly at the mention of the blonde and Severus curses himself for the bitter taste of jealousy it brings to his mouth. "And the nights… Merlin, the nights were the worst. I thought Draco would finally get enough and leave, you know? But he didn't. He even slept in my bed and held me when it was too bad. But it wasn't the same. I didn't feel safe, like I did with you."

"Then why didn't you come to see me? All those times when I knew you were in England, and yet you never came to me. Why, if you missed me?"

Severus knows he's cold and sarcastic and he knows he's trying to protect himself, as if it weren't already too late. Harry inhales sharply, his eyes wide and unblinking, and suddenly he's looking like the boy who slept on the floor of Severus' room for a few weeks.

"Because I knew that if I saw you I wouldn't be able to leave again."

The answer is so unexpected that Severus chokes on his own spit.

"What?" he croaks pitifully, and he dimly wonders where his self-control has gone and if he will ever get it back.

"It was already so hard, so fucking hard without you. I couldn't bear the idea to see again and to have to leave afterwards. I… Draco told me I was calling for you in my sleep. I wasn't strong enough, Severus. I just wasn't."

Severus can't find anything to say to that. His brain is like frozen, and he has trouble to proceed the words that Harry is saying.

"I just… I was a work in progress, you know? And I didn't want you to see me like that. I wanted to show you that I could do it. That I could survive and succeed and be what you told me I could be."

Harry is suddenly standing beside him – when has he moved? – and his eyes are so, so bright.

"Because I knew you wouldn't accept this otherwise." Harry smiles, and it's both gentle and calculating, and Severus barely refrains to shiver. "I knew you couldn't accept my feelings before. I was just a broken kid and you were… you. But now I'm here, and I'll stay, and I feel like I can finally be what you need."

"I-I… what?"

"You were always what I needed, Severus. You gave me so much, so much. And I'd like to give you in return, if you'd let me."

And then Harry bends down, his eyes never leaving Severus', and his soft lips brush against the older man thin ones, and time stops.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the last chapter! I actually considered making you wait one more day for it, but I'm not that cruel ^^  
> Reward me with lots of comments. See you next story!

Severus can't breathe. Which is maybe not a bad thing altogether, maybe he'll just pass out and wake up in his bed and realize this is all a fucked up dream.

But Harry's lips are unrelenting and he's somehow managed to make Severus stand up and their arms are around each other, and Merlin, it feels so real. Harry moans against his lips and their tongues meet, and for one blessed moment, Severus forgets who he is.

And then he remembers, and he pushes Harry away with a snarl as his lungs seem to finally work again.

"Severus?"

"You think this is funny, don't you? Did Draco tell you?"

"What? Draco told me that my feelings might not be… unrequited. Was he wrong?"

"Don't play with me, Potter. I can't believe you would be this cruel."

"No, no, Severus! This isn't like that at all!"

"Of course not. You actually fell in love with your old and ugly former teacher and this is not some kind of twisted revenge. Don't even-"

"Stop it!"

Harry is shaking now, his cheeks red with what looks like righteous anger and something that Severus can't read.

"Just stop! This isn't some stupid prank! You know I wouldn't do something like that." Harry takes a deep breath and leans forward, boldly taking Severus clenched hands in his. "Please, look at me. You know I wouldn't, Severus."

"Wouldn't you?" Severus whispers, and to his horror, his voice is rough and unsteady. He has to get out of here before he makes more a fool out of himself.

"Of course not. I've waited so long for this. Give me a chance, please. Just let me show you how much I care for you."

"Why would you?"

"Care for you? Because of who you are. Because of what you've done, for this world. For me. Because I can't get you out of my head. Because you understand, Severus. No one else can. No one but you. Please."

Severus wants to say no. He wants to laugh in Harry's face and turns around, he wants to go home and go back to his lonely – but safe – life. But it would be the easy way out, wouldn't it? It would make him a coward, and Severus is many things, but a coward is not one of those.

"Show me then."

"What?"

"Show me. Prove me that you really think of me in that way." Severus smirks and takes a step forward, bending down to whisper in Harry's ear, trying to keep his voice deep and smooth. "Show me, Harry. Do you really want me? Do you think of me in a… sexual way? Do you sometimes imagine what it would be like to touch me? Do you dream about fucking me, Harry? Or maybe about taking me into your body?"

Harry makes a strangled noise at the back of his throat and grips Severus' forearm so tightly that the older man winces. Before Severus can complain about it, though, the young man Apparates them in his bedroom and pushes Severus onto the bed.

The rest happens so fast that Severus has barely the time to realize what is going on until he's lying naked on Harry's bed with an equally naked young man kissing him like there's no tomorrow.

"You have no idea" Harry is panting, and punctuating his words with butterfly kisses along Severus' jaw and neck "how much I want you. How much- I've dreamt about this. Merlin, Severus. Yes, let me show you."

Fortunately Harry soon loses his ability to speak, which is a blessing since Severus isn't sure how many more apparently heartfelt confidences he could take without breaking. The older man rolls them over, pinning Harry to the bed and devouring him with kisses. They rut together ungracefully, skin against skin and lips against lips, and when Harry comes with a shout, Severus loses himself in the sensory overload his body is experiencing. As he bites down Harry's neck, he briefly thinks that if this is a onetime thing, it will be a wonderful onetime thing.

HP-HP-HP-HP

Severus wakes up with a start. This is not his room and he's naked and-

Merlin. Harry is sleeping peacefully next to him, softly snoring and happily drooling on Severus' shoulder.

Which should disgust him, but only makes something clenches in his chest, a strange kind of pain that is as pleasurable as it is unnerving.

He feels like he should be horrified with his own behavior.

He's not.

This feels so right.

He should probably suspect some kind of trick from his former student. He should feel uncomfortable with his nakedness because he knows what he looks like.

He doesn't.

He has seldom felt so at peace in his life. So free. So alive.

Harry shifts in his sleep and settles on his back, his cheeks flushed and his mouth open quite ridiculously. Severus smiles in spite of himself, realizing he wouldn't mind waking up to this sight every day.

Maybe it won't last. Maybe it's some kind of elaborated prank – even if he really doesn't believe Harry would do something like that.

But right there, right now, everything seems oddly right, and Severus feels like he's been gifted something precious. Suddenly green eyes are sleepily blinking at him and Harry smiles.

Merlin.

"Hey."

"Very articulate, Harry."

The young man snorts before snuggling closer, wrapping an arm around Severus' middle.

"Not freaking out, are you?"

"Surprisingly, I am not." Severus kisses the top of Harry's messy head. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah. D'you want some breakfast?"

"I guess I could eat."

Harry grins and absently traces patterns on Severus' chest with his index.

"You know, you haven't seen the basement."

"What?"

"I've had Slughorn over. He helped me setting everything up. The potions lab, I mean."

Severus blinks.

"You've got a potions lab in your basement? I should probably tell you not to try anything stupid. You are hopeless at potions, Harry."

Harry chuckles and slaps him on the arm.

"It's not for me, you prick. It's for you."

"I am not sure I understand."

"Why do you think I've been so busy redecorating this house? I want you to live here with me. You can work from here as well, though I suppose if you prefer work from your house you could Floo there everyday but it wouldn't be very-"

"Wait, wait. How long have you been planning this?"

"Since I left, Severus. Since the day I left and kissed you for the first time. I've been working so hard all these years to build a life of my own. With you, Severus."

"I… find it hard to understand."

"I know. But you don't have to understand it. Just let me take care of you." Harry grins and pecks him chastely on the lips. "Starting with breakfast. What would like?"

"You. I want you."

Harry's eyes widen and Severus takes the opportunity to pounce on the smaller man.

Maybe he can do this.

With Harry at his side, maybe he can.

HP-HP-HP-HP

_**6 months later.** _

"This is ridiculous."

"Shut it, you Grinch."

Harry rolls his eyes and Draco tries to hide his laugh with a cough. Severus scowls and tries to remember that one is not supposed to hex one's godson. Harry looks back at the Christmas tree with a happy grin and Draco smiles fondly.

"Why are you even here, Draco? Shouldn't you be with your fiancé?"

"My fiancé, Severus, is with her family for Christmas. And I will join them tomorrow, but Harry asked me to spend Christmas Eve with the two of you and I accepted."

"There! What d'you think, Dray?"

"It's perfect. Is the food ready?"

"Yeah. They should be here shortly."

"Great. Tell me again why it is a good idea to have a bunch of Weasleys invading our home?"

"Severus! Play nice, will you? It's Christmas, after all."

Harry is making puppy eyes at him and seems more amused than annoyed, but Severus knows how much this means to him. A home filled with friends and family for Christmas. And Severus wouldn't spoil that for his lover, no matter how much he will inwardly complain about Gryffindors and Weasleys and loud children.

Draco is grinning smugly at him, the traitor, and Severus decides to go and pick the wine from the cellar for the evening. Red, he muses, to go with the main course – meat – and a bottle of sweet white wine for Harry who prefers it to anything else, as Severus has learned during the past months.

Six months and he can still barely believe it. It hasn't been easy, being with Harry. Between the young man adoptive family and his fans and the ministry, their relationship has aroused suspicion and incredulity, but they've hold on.

Stubbornness is a trait they share, after all.

Harry is doing well as a Healer in St Mungo's, and even if Severus complains about late shifts and emergency calls, there's no denying that his partner loves his job.

And when they're together, it's nothing short of perfect, at least for Severus. They sometimes fight and then they make up, and above all, Severus feels like he finally belongs somewhere, and he knows Harry feels the same.

Severus will always question their relationship, not because he doesn't believe that Harry loves him, but because he doesn't understand why. He has learned to accept it, though, because not everything in life is meant to be explained.

There is no need to explain the way their souls understand each other. No need to explain why his own darkness doesn't taint Harry's never-ending light. No need to explain the way their bodies just fit, over and over again. No need to explain the feeling of safety that comes with sleeping in the arms of the one you love, and the warmth you experience when you are someone's happiness. No need to ask himself if he deserves Harry or if he's good enough.

Harry is calling him and Severus shakes himself out of his daze, quickly picking the bottles and praying for strength as Ronald's loud voice reach him.

There's nowhere else he'd rather be, redheads and Christmas carols be damned.


End file.
